little by little

Down just under a pound. At first I was pretty upset then I realized that A) I didn't go to the gym last week except once and B) It was Thanksgiving week. So losing at all is truly an accomplishment...oh just though of C) I had a ladies night with food and wine that week too. So truly I rock :)

I have been working little by little to keep positive, exercise often and eat much better than I had been. I love feeling lighter and healthier. I love seeing my clothes becoming too big. (although then I will need to find the funds for new clothes....hmm better get started on that one)

I now have 11 weeks left until my 30th birthday and hopefully also reaching my first goal. I cannot believe just how quickly this past year has flown by. When I started this blog it felt like this year was going to take it's sweet time getting anywhere. This is definitely not the case.

I took Boston on his first trip to the Oregon Coast Aquarium last night and he got to see lots of fish/aquatic life and Christmas lights and SANTA. I finally got his first picture with Santa ( he's nearly 3 but better late than never).

Happy Thanksgiving...and all that implies

I am terrible! 6 months since I have logged on and posted something. A lot has changed. I am currently working for the State of Oregon instead of toiling away in a job I was sure would claim my sanity.

I have been so much happier and more at peace since the switch! I couldn't have made a better choice, now if only the paycheck can start to equal the happiness...then I'm set. :)

I am also down 20 lbs from when I first began this blog which is making me very happy. I am terribly impatient and would just love to see the lbs fly off. However, supposedly "slow and steady wins the race" I just dunno ;)

I received the opportunity for a free 3 months at a local gym *due to their own shady past practices* and thanks to my wonderful mother I am able to go twice a week. I feel wonderful. I had forgotten how it feels to get up a good sweat and really start to feel happy with your effort and appearance. I missed the strength (both physical and mental) that comes from working out. I am happy to be making steps towards being the healthy happy woman and mother I deserve to be.

In the past few months I have made some amazing friends and strengthened friendships with others. Having this network has made a wonderful difference. I love having girls to gab with guys to laugh with and other mothers who are able to help each other out. We all know how tough single-mommyhood can be.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Remember to say thank you to those around you who make a difference in your life and to remember all of the blessings that God has given to you!

Able to breathe a sigh of relief

I finally did it, I managed to get another job and move forward from Tmo.
This job has taught me a lot about what it takes to be successful and just how much I can handle. I am excite to take this knowledge and strength and move forward into another arena.

I was hired on with the state in the DMV field services division. I will be tackling a job never before held by anyone else and I am just ecstatic about the opportunity to pioneer something. I realize it is still an admin position and to some I am just a glorified secretary. I know that isn't what this position is going to be and I know I have the chance to make something of it. This job is going to further my experience and just propel me onto the next chapter.

I finally know I can breathe a sigh of relief. There is an end in sight, a light at the end of the tunnel. I have 10 more working days and then I am done. I am having a little bit of a hard time with letting some of my co-workers in on the news. I feel almost as though in some way I am letting them down. I have to work to remember that I am in charge of my own life and happiness just as much as they are of theirs.

I am so thankful that the Lord heard and answered my prayers. Woohoo welcome the new adventure.

Little rain on my sunshine

Today started off a beautiful day! It was gorgeous and warm. I felt very positive. I had a meeting this morning that I hope went very well. I was also hoping to hear some news today, but alas all was quiet.

I am struggling to keep myself positive. I have got to move onto something new in my life, career-wise. I dread the end of my weekend (not in that normal "darn the weekend is over already?" way but in the I will scream and throw things and cry because I have to go back to work.)

I try to remain positive because I know that helps make work a little better. At this moment in time I have no choice. I cannot simply move on. The catalyst to all of these feelings is yet another friend lucky enough to put in her notice. It shook me, in fact it darn near broke me. I started to cry immediately. I was mad at myself for being so jealous, but well that is what I am. I am horribly green with envy.

I am praying that something will come through. I know that God will not give me more than I can handle, however, I truly feel he is making me stretch the last chord of my capabilities. I don't want this moment at the end of my day to have such an effect on what was a wonderful day off with my son. It angers me that at this moment I just want to crawl into a little whole and have pity party. Yes, I do realize that this does ABSOLUTELY NO good at all.

I am ready for my moment. I pray for patience, and for peace of mind. I don't know how I will continue to find it but I have to dig deep.

And another week...

I did a great job for the most part eating the foods I had purchased from setting up a menu for the week. Now that I am in week two my interest ins waning. That has to be my biggest issue. I get all gung ho and then I lose steam.

I am sure that is pretty typical. The other issue is that as soon as I make it the healthy version I lose all track of portion size. I was doing fantastically and feeling great, and now I am bummed and back up 4 lbs. On a more positive note I am not yet back up to where I started so I better just get back on it.

I'm not sure of exactly how I am going to make this work. I know that WW is easier to track than typing up ALL of the information for the nutrition facts and putting it into sparkpeople. I do not wish to pay for WW again though because I don't have the ability to attend the meetings and so paying for it is just a waste of money. I have all of the info and the know how to follow the program at home. I just miss the support piece.

I have two utterly horrible motivations right now for wanting to lose the weight. They purely stem out of insecurity and well probably a dash of jealousy. I have a friend who just had her 3rd baby and I'll be damned if I still am just as fat after 1 child when she returns to her skinnier than she was in HS form. The other is a friend who just had surgery to achieve weight loss. I am terrible and must admit that I feel in some regards this is cheating. This person is fantastic but just BARELY met the criteria for the surgery and mostly because she started eating terribly again because she lost too much weigh to qualify by following a better diet.

I know that these are terrible things to feel about people that I do care about. Jealousy is an evil B. I need to work on that.

I do have a better motivation though. Several actually. I found some pictures from about 10 years ago where I was at my thinnest and wow I looked great. I remember how great I felt then too. I also want to be more able to run around with B. He is getting more and more active as the days go by. I also want to be in a better place come summer and that is fast approaching. I feel like this one small area spirals because I turn to food in times of stress. I had better start retraining my brain to find a better outlet.

I am debating whether or not I would like to return to counseling. I feel that there are a lot of things from my previous relationships and life that I cannot sort out on my own. I have some great friends and they help me by providing a great sounding board...but well they aren't paid to do that :)

Here's to a better week :)

Whoa....almost been a week

I haven't unloaded in almost a week. Whoa! This past week I have done a lot of work getting back on a healthier track.

With some help I am cutting back a little on the caffeine (well coffee) and trying to keep it to 16 oz a day instead of the probably 32 that I had been consuming. I am also a little more focused on trying to get in more water. My poor little dehydrated body.

I went through my cookbooks (a few of them) and wrote down healthy meals that sounded tasty and easy. After doing that I separated them main ingredient so that things with a common main ingredient would be easy to spot. This really helps with the grocery shopping. For example, I have 3 or 4 different dishes/salads that use rotisserie chicken as the main ingredient. Because it is just me and my son, one chicken will make all of those meals. So 6.00 one time and I have nearly a weeks worth of dishes. :) I felt very accomplished and ready to tackle dinner and lunch for this week.

I have eaten out twice, but both times I got a salads.

I have also however, made and eaten cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting and they were DELISH. Absolutely worth it :) I am really balancing out my crazy sugar overload so once I come off of the detox I am sure I will feel much better. Right now, I just miss it.

Work...well it's work. I am doing my best to keep a positive outlook. Feels better to put the good out there. I did have to take a day off when I wasn't feeling well and apparently missing a day a month the past 3 months is considered excessive so I have had a "clarifying discussion" I am sorry that this cold and flu season has been hideous to my household, but I refuse to spread that to the 600+ other employees....thanks though.

oh how I love the weekend. Today was insanity. 3 new phones came out, systems were sluggish and apparently it was the day for everyone to call in to either get their ego stroked or to get a free counseling session, apparently they felt this was theirs to redeem. (I must have missed the coupon insert)

I drove up to my son's dad's house and saw him riding a little kawasaki 4-wheel powerwheels. I of course wanted to have a mini heart attack. I was also irritated that his dad was having him drive towards my car as I drove up. I'm sorry but you don't want to teach a 2 year old to move towards the moving vehicle! I also felt that a helmet was a good idea. Maybe I was being overprotective. But a 2 year old on a powerwheel on a street seemed like a good time to use a helmet. I said this and received the response, uhm no that is ridiculous...it isn't even moving a tenth of a mile per hour why would he need a helmet. I, being me, got very irritated and just gathered B's belongings to go. I told his dad that while I respected the fact that he felt it was ridiculous I did not agree. After all any bicycle requires a helmet for kids, I plan to use one when he gets the tricycle. (when I said this his dad replies, I don't plan to get him a tricycle I don't want him having to rely on 3 wheels, the kid can just learn to ride a bike) His reasoning was that he thought it was stupid, and that B would look like an idiot and that the helmet wasn't actually made to do anything to help prevent possible damage or injury when a child was moving that slowly. ( to this I wanted to reply...no you are the idiot. But I refrained)

Thank you for the reminders as to why we are no longer together and why it still makes me nervous sometimes that because you are his father that I have to send B. Don't get me wrong I know that his dad loves him, and that he has indeed tried to make great strides to become a better and more responsible father. But he is still himself. I also realize that the mama bear is always gonna look a little differently at issues of safety than dads will.

Tomorrow it's time to get my hair done. I just added some red, and that was fun. I don't care as much for the lighter copper type color so I am wanting to darken that up, and probably add either a really deep mahogany or a deep purple. Not 100% yet. :)

So very tired...

I am so glad that after tomorrow I have day off. Double bonus I scored a couch and a coffee table for free from a friend of mine. I am happy to get rid of the beast. The couch has served me well but it is time for it to move on.

Today was exhausting. I just wish that customers didn't get to me so much. Scratch that, I wish I didn't LET them get to me so much. It is grinding and draining. I pray that the avenues I am currently exploring lead to something that will start a new chapter for me.

I won't write much today, because I am tired and kinda cranky and I just want to lose the tude, and probably crawl into bed. Such an exciting life I lead. 8pm and I am ready to call it a night. (and I wonder why I am not currently dating lol)

I am however thoroughly enjoying the new wardrobe and I look forward to picking out more things so that I can get rid of the old things that really just aren't me. I am looking forward to this coming week, new couch Tuesday, hair day Thursday, bbq on Saturday!

Thinking outside the box

Today I took the opportunity to do some better listening and to let a friend of mine help me find a little more of myself.

I didn't realize how little I really know myself. It was kind of refreshing to spit out words and get some feedback :) In this case it mostly translated into my personal style. I dress like some innocent, plain jane, boring mother most of the time. Then my friend today asks me, "you realize J that you are the woman who can pull off blue streaks and a funky hair do and rock the latest NY trends right...?" I looked at her like she must be smoking something and said yeah right.

(but a piece of me had to admit that the red streaks I added to my hair almost don't feel bold enough haha) and I DO love that classy, chic, slightly sassy look.

There is this wilder, brash, bold woman inside who desperately wants to make her debut. She does in little ways. I have to admit that I hate when I look in my closet and see clothes my mother might wear. (this would be ok if my mom was some 50 year old hipster...but that isn't the case)

So miss W took it upon herself to set out for an impromptu shopping trip where I was not allowed to try on, let alone buy, anything in black. Also all clothes were checked through her, and she also handed me items. I was not allowed to turn down at least trying them on. I have to admit that having someone who LOOKS at me often pick out my clothes was really helpful. She could actually see my shape and personality and pick things I would never dream. I came out of this deal with a FABULOUS dress and a super cute shirt that I NEVER in a million years would have tried on.

I also came to realize through conversation that I'm kidding myself when I say that I don't want anything serious in a relationship. I do. I need to figure out why I feel it is such a faux pas to say that I want something serious. Like I feel it is some death sentence for any date. I realize I just need to learn not to SAY that I want something serious but to realize it when I am sizing up the potentials. (ha potentials...oh man I'd like to just have A date) miss W also laughed at me when I said that I'd never really considered wearing such a nice dress on a date. Wow, maybe I need to class up my dates a little. Step out of the jeans and a cute top look.

Gosh sometimes I really just feel hopeless. ;)

Finally...

I finally feel like I have a clear head and feel better about decisions I have made. I just hope that this all pans out. For now I have done my part, I will say a few prayers and let it take its course.

I am still not choosing to put my health first which is pretty ridiculous. I am trying now to figure out what stops me every time I start to do really well. So far I do not have any answers. I am sure a part of it is very simple...I LOVE the way food tastes. Especially food filled with sugar and fats. I wonder if sugar & fats could be considered a drug...because I am pretty sure I'm addicted ;)

I watched my dvr'd Biggest Loser and was just amazed at how much difference a 51 year old woman made in her life. I was also very distressed by the back story of how much influence there is within the mother-child relationship; and how my choices are going to have such a profound effect on B. I want him to be that kid who picks up a banana or apple or peach instead of a snickers. (even in my head I laugh at this...but I realize that's because it takes modeling for a child to learn these habits)

If I can really just sit down, go through a healthy recipe book and plan a few dinners maybe I can make it work. Left to my own devices it comes down to whatever is quick and easy. Well 9 times out of 10 quick and easy equals unhealthy and fattening.

I have gained back only 2 lbs but that is still 2 lbs that I do not need. I have to stop giving myself such a free pass with regards to 2 lbs. 2 lbs is HARD to lose. Therefore, I shouldn't make it so easy to regain.

I did take a mommy afternoon and enjoyed getting my hair done. I put in red highlights. They didn't come out exactly as I had planned but well they are getting a good reaction so I have decided just to roll with it :)

What a full day!

Today was a very full day. I met my friend Christa's newest addition to the family; Aaron Christopher. He is definitely a K family baby :) After that I met up with J & Miss M for fun times at the kids club again. B just LOVES the sandbox. I feel almost like I should get him one to have at home....I'll have to ponder that.

After Kids Club I came home and put the roast in the crock pot to make french dip. Oh sooo yummy. I then had to clean like the tazmanian devil because I had been neglecting the little pick ups for enough days to need a BIG pick up :) All in all today was a definite success.

Dinner with J, W, J & E was a hit. Apparently french dip is now my signature dish :) It is great to have friends over and just gab. I forget how lonely it really can with it being just B and me. Some nights I relish the alone time. After evenings like this one it does make me miss having a someone. I pray that someday soon God will send me the person I've been waiting for. It would be nice to have someone to share my thoughts/feelings and life in general with. In due time I suppose.

I have been doing utterly horrid with making food choices. The only choices I seem to be making is how much ice cream or pizza am I going to eat, not which vegetables or healthful foods will I be making this week. Ugh. I really have to wonder do I want this weight off or am I too scared? (ooh that just reminded me Biggest Loser is on...woohoo) ttfn

Oh daylight savings I hate you. I wish that Oregon would adopt the same stance as several other states and do away with you. I can handle the falling bac

kwards, but this springing forward BS has to go. I like that I see light when I wake up now. Guess I have to accept and move on. ~j

Great (busy) weekend

This weekend for me has been fantastic. I got a few chores completed yesterday. I took B to NW Kids Club to run around with his 2ND cousins and found that it is a great place for kids to go and run off energy. I think in a month or two I will be paying the 100.00 for the year pass; considering how much it rains in Oregon I know we will get a lot of use out of an indoor playground.

I went to a Stampin Up party last night as well and really had a lot of fun. I LOVE to scrap. I often forget how much I enjoy it. I am excited to finish a friends scrap book layouts for her so that she can have her daughters baby book done before her little E turns 1. It may sound odd that I would put together someone else's scrapbook, but well it isn't something that everyone loves to do. I enjoy being able to give of my talents to help someone get an artistic baby album for their child.

I may even create a small album for her to put newer pictures into.

Today will be a nice mellow, but still busy day. I have to get the house cleaned up so that I don't head into the next work week with a dirty kitchen and laundry to do. I do however, get to go have grown up fun at game night this evening! Woohoo :)

Pooped

Pooped, but I popped on to say hello. Mostly because I decided to try and write every day of Lent. I haven't exactly succeeded but I am not giving up the dream just yet.

Why is it that in the middle of a day where I am done, that is it, another call and I will explode and then my team members do something hilarious, or goofy and remind me that some of the things we do and get away with at my current job would NEVER happen anywhere else. There are some definite perks to the job...but my goodness I am STRESSED to the max when I talk to idiots, whiners and complainers all day long. I wish my job was more fulfilling. Meh.

I am so excited it is my weekend, I have been missing my son very much. It is hard on days like today when I get to see him for a little over an hour and a half between wake up and bed time. Then during the hour and a half I get I am trying to scarf down dinner because I haven't eaten in 5 or 6 hours and I am exhausted and don't have much energy to really play hard. We read, we talk, we learn things and have just kind of mellow together time. I just hope that the extra full day a week together is beneficial. Being a working mother is so difficult--constantly trying to balance work and home life. Feeling the guilt of wanting to spend any time as just you the woman, and trying to make sure that you are a part of your child's life and that you get to show them quality experiences and share their life while you can.

I can't tell you how tickled it makes me to come home and see his toys and clothes and reminders that he is here with me. I cannot imagine life before or without my son as a part of it. He has truly given a deeper purpose and meaning to my life. I am truly blessed to be a mother. I pray for those who have lost children or who cannot have children. I have several close friends who would dearly love to conceive and I hope for them that they do. Children are of course not for everyone, I understand and respect that. I have just found that my son has added so very much to my own life.

Zoo Day

So Mother Nature did not win...or maybe she did win; she got to see two very happy little boys and their parents enjoy time together at the zoo. It was definitely a little cold, but oh so worth it.

I love to watch my son explore the world and discover new things. It is refreshing to see the world again through new eyes. To take in the joys that we miss because we're used to filtering out so much of what we see and hear. Several times today B said to me "Listen, you hear that" with his hand cupped to his ear. It reminded me to stop and to listen, to enjoy the things that are around us.

I am still not making the best choices with regards to food. I went and got a few groceries today so that I can make a better plan for food. When I can plan I make better choices.

Tomorrow is a new day :)

Countdown 11 months and 9 days

The weather is a biatch

Yet again the weather decides to turn to crap by the time I get to my day off. I just want to take my son to the zoo, and the weather will not hold out for me. I am tempted to go if it's just going to be drizzly. I haven't decided yet.

Giant Jigsaw

I love it when I make fantastic simile's :)

Today has been a day that has run me through a wide range of emotions. I have gone from chipper to frustrated as hell to blessed and full of love. I'd say that's a day well lived. Well experienced.

I am learning that it is okay to want to scream and throw things during the day as long as I don't scream and throw things, and handle it like an adult instead :)

I have been making a point to dress more feminine and to enjoy the womanly figure that I have. Embrace the curves (even if I want some of them to be a little less curvy) I enjoy being able to put on a dress and actually feel COMFORTABLE. I cannot tell you the last time I put on a dress and felt good wearing it. In fact, the last dress I bought before just these past few weeks was over 4 years ago. I just felt fat, and thought my legs looked ugly in a dress. I just felt like it showed all of the worst parts. Boy do I know NOTHING ;) A friend was over the other day and I was showing her a pair of shoes I had purchased. When I lifted the leg of my jeans to show her she says "wait a second, lift up your pants more. Wow....you have GREAT calves Jecca (that's my nickname) you should be showin those babies off all the time"

I have never thought of my gams as great, but now I am trying to take a more positive look at them. Kinda hard not to look smokin in a pair of stilettos :)

I stepped on the scale today for a reality check. I have got to regain my control over emotional eating. The stress ( and chocolate, and pizza, and cake, and lattes, and candy.....) is winning. My waistline and hard work however, are losing and that is not acceptable. Time to start anew.

Good Day

Today was a good day, it was gorgeous outside! I worked almost an entire day, I was thrilled to get off an hour early :)

I am hoping for the sunshine to continue even if I am working. It helps to make the rest of the day better.

I have definitely lost a great deal of focus in the goal to eat better. I either have to regain my focus or accept the fact that I will not be losing any more weight. I don't like the idea of acceptance. I really did like the ability to buy a size 14 pant and a size 12 dress. I like the idea of a size 12 or even a size 10 pant even more. So I guess renewed focus it is :)

I have gotten lazy and let stress win. Instead of choosing to deal with it proactively I dealt with it in my tried and true fashion of eating whatever the hell made me feel good. SOOO LAME.

Tomorrow is the start of a new day, a new week. Back to the bricks.

One idea off the list...

I went to Portland today and began the preliminary research into a career avenue. I quickly saw a stop sign when I realized that it was going to cost me nearly 32k and take 3-4 years to complete.

It was very frustrating to realize that I wasn't going to get to pursue that avenue; I was intrigued by the idea of the career possibilities. It is what it is I suppose.

It did help me to gain new perspective into what I am doing now. I am blessed to have a job, and one that does support my son and I. I just wish that I enjoyed it more. Oh well. We can't enjoy every minute of every day can we? Maybe we can, I just have to figure out how.

I had a great dinner with J & miss E tonight. Always good for chat and baby social time :) I look forward to our next get together. I gained some valuable insight into interviews and what are the right questions to answer, and which ones really are trick questions. Maybe that will help me.

I am now on a retail hiatus. I have definitely outdone myself on my recent spree. I guess not smoking really did leave me wide open for abusing my shopping addiction ;) I am proud that even with all of the circles and knots I have wound myself into I didn't even have one puff of a cigarette. I definitely thought about it--and ABSOLUTELY wanted one, but I still haven't found that darned emergency pack (lol).

Here is to a good attitude and a relatively easy workday! (please oh please)

Oh sooo full!

Oh my goodness. I ate too much today. Tomorrow must be a better choice day. I cannot regret Red Robin, but next time I will not finish the burger...or the fries :)

Today was a wonderful day though. The sun actually poked it's head out for one of my days off, for which I am very grateful. My sister in law and I took Boston to the park and around town for a little mommy/auntie retail therapy. Then B took a nice long nap, we played a little more outside, and then enjoyed dinner at Red Robin with Aunt Sara (not technically family but well, after 18 years as friends I'd say she counts). Whoa...I just had a very still moment when I wrote down 18 years. There is only one other person from my childhood I still talk to that I've known longer...but well I don't keep in touch with her the way I do with Sara. My gosh. 18 years! I almost don't feel like I should be old enough to have had a friend for that long. Ha. Ok moving on......

I did my best not to spend all day spinning about my career options. It takes a lot of energy and I realize that I have to deal with the here and now just as much as the future. God will plant a seed and I will grow with it.

Because I am stuffed to the gills and pretty darn tired I will now bid you adieu

Welcome days off...

I am finding that the 3 days off is very beneficial to my attitude. Boston seems to be having a much better time with it. I am glad that it seems to be working, I didn't want to leave a team I enjoy so soon.

I am also looking pretty heavily into other career avenues. I have no idea which one will become something. I have spent a lot of time the last several days researching a couple of other avenues.

My poor wheels are spinning trying to figure out what would be a better direction.

I joined a facebook group related to one of the fields and asked those currently in the profession how they felt about the job, and how the wage potential truly is. The Bureau of Labor has some great stats but I want real world answers. One person said it's great, one person said if you have a job that's paying the bills just stick with it. So....that wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped.

I am happy to be able to just take these couple of days and spend time with my son. I really do miss him by the time I get off of work. I just about ache to see him and spend time with him.

They did offer a shortening of Wednesday as a shift change through May. I decided however, that since I took this job because I needed to earn the shift differential it did not really make sense to cut back on hours. It was hard to turn down more time off ;)

promise for lent. So here it is. I may be too lazy to get out of bed to type on the computer, but I still blogged :)

Woohoo, I win. I set my phone up for mobile posting. I laid down tonight and realized that I hadn't blogged today. I promised I would be better about my

Take it and flip it

I started out this morning with a very bad attitude. I woke up feeling alright. I actually woke up about 30 min before my alarm clock, but since I felt fully rested I just enjoyed the shower in the AM and some coffee before the bug woke up.

It was while I was driving to work that the darn tape reels in my head began to playback the events of a particularly frustrating phone call from the day before. This is ridiculous you might say, I mean why would a person replay a stupid phone call from the day before. The answer...because this damn job haunts me. Not in a creepy or romantic way, but in a can't get away from the insanity because my overactive mind drags it with me everywhere I go.

I hear the damn "whisper" when it isn't even ready to happen, I can recite it word for word. That is not pleasant. I know that she brings forth the possibility of yet another self indulgent individual who feels they are entitled to being paid for their stupidity. I am sorry but I will not award your inability to think and or act for yourself. (this of course is not directed at those who have a truly viable reason why they wouldn't be able to think and or act for themselves)

I apologized to a co-worker for bringing that attitude in with me, I realized very quickly that it wasn't fair of me to put that on him and hope that his cheery disposition would snap me out of it. In true sweetheart form he did just that and told me not to apologize, but of course I did it anyway :) I decided at that moment enough with the previous day ruining my current day and decided to focus on as much of the positives that I could.

I did indeed help a few who truly deserved it and it made my heart happy to be able to pass along some good in this world. It may be simple and I may only be helping with a fairly small aspect of their life...but nonetheless I helped.

I am still frantically bouncing around ideas of which path to follow towards the future. So far there is no clear front runner. Meh. I will just keep researching and making my pros and cons list. (I am such an A type personality lol)

I am still praying to God for guidance. I know that if I could just shush my brain for long enough to listen I would hear some clue, some tug towards a clearer answer. I am going to have to work for that. I am terrible at being quiet. I can turn off my mouth, I just fail often at turning off my brain.

I have been making decent, but not amazing choices when it comes to meal time. Most often I am giving right back into the comfort of enjoying food and letting it fill my nervous/scared places. I should learn that my nervous/scared places don't need to be blobby/jiggly places as well :)

I am super happy to be firmly in a size 14. I hope to soon be firmly in a 12. (on a plus side, all of the dresses I just bought are 12, although I tend to count pants size over dress size).

**random thought: Do women go by dress size because all we used to wear are dresses???

I am happy to feel good about getting into a dress again. For the longest time I was just so unbelievably uncomfortable in a dress. I am now finding new confidence and am able to put one on and feel more womanly. Odd how hard it is for me sometimes to identify with being a woman. It sounds strange but I guess because for so long I have adopted the role of taking care of myself, and being mommy & daddy for my son that I almost forget that I am a woman. That it is okay for me to want to have someone to take care of me, or take care of the "heavy lifting" so to speak. I should be able to enjoy someone showering me with some attention or treating me as somewhat demure. I guess I just never really learned how to be a woman who enjoys, and lets a man take care of her. I should learn how to do that, because I do realize that a certain part of a man's persona/pride is about being able to take care of and provide for his mate/spouse (insert whatever term you are most comfortable with)

Hmm....lots to ponder.

Little bit of this & that

Woke up today in a wonderful mood, felt like I could take on this day and make it fantastic.

I was mostly right, I made it through 3/4 of the day with the same attitude. For me that is a win. I want to get to somewhere in the range of 80-90%

That may seem pessimistic...but really, what one person can say that they never have even a single negative moment in a day ??

The last part of the day got extremely busy and a little frustrating because I knew it only got that busy because too many people went home early. C'est La Vie. Tomorrow begins a new month. We will see how that works out.

I think it is time to take a more active approach at job searching again. I have to do something. I have also come to realize that these 10 hour days truly may not work for me. I am not a night person and am exhausted when I get home. Then I get approximately an hour with my son and he goes to sleep. I feel like I am hardly seeing him and that I am missing so much. I just wish that I had been able to be at home with him more especially in this early stage. I am so absolutely grateful that he has been able to be with my mom, so I know that he is at least getting most of what I would be teaching him.

I am incredibly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends and have such support in raising my son.

I had a wonderful lunch date with Miss M today :) I think that both of us enjoyed the food and time together. It's a great thing to be able to have a friend at work to be real with. That doesn't so often happen in corporate America where you have to make sure that your words (however honest they may be) aren't turned against you for someone else's gain.

Here's to hoping tomorrow flies by so that I can enjoy a day off with my bugga.

A gentle nudge....

Ok so maybe not so gentle, but I was reminded that I was totally blowing my lent resolution. It's true. I am a slacker. Instead of taking just a few moments to post, I would read....then think...then say nah I'm too tired I don't want to post.

So I will not beat myself up. I will just try again, and keep trying until it is just an easy habit to blog. I do love it, and it is cathartic; so why I don't do it...well I have no good answer.

This new 10 hour shift is going to be interesting. It is harder for me that I had expected. Spending that long away from Boston is very difficult for me. It is difficult for him also. To be fair this is only week 1 in, and in this past week I had to work 7 days straight before a day off. Of course that will take it's toll on any 2 year old. My bugga has taken it like a trooper but this past Monday he was extremely upset that I had the nerve to leave yet again for work. It broke my momma heart. But I will continue to do what I must.

I really do enjoy my team to be honest, and I think that the extra day off will be very nice. I am going to give it a little more time and see what comes.

I also discussed other career avenues with my family and I continue to pray that I will be open enough to hear the right direction. I just don't know what future I see in my current job, or if I want it to be a part of my future. It's always a little shinier and a little more fun right at the beginning of a bid. I don't want this current fresh start to gloss over the issues I've encountering for the past several months. I really hope to remain objective and weigh the pros and cons of each of my decisions.

I talked with a friends mom who works for the state about what options would be available as a mother and a student. She gave me some really great advice and was also going to speak with an inside source regarding a position I had seen. Hopefully that will lead towards something. I also decided to look into something I have tossed around for several years. Transcription. I can type like a mo-fo and do very well with codes and what not. I also am looking at Court Reporting as well. They have fantastic job pay scale and according to the Bureau of labor it is a job that is expanding and will continue to do so. From what information I could find schooling lasts anywhere from 22-33 months (odd numbers but hey I saw them a lot so I guess they are right ;)

So those are the latest ideas tossed into the pot.

And that is that for now....

just real quick....

Had a wonderful day off with Misser J & Miss May. The Portland Children's Museum was a blast.

I promised I would try to write every day of lent....so this is my quick blurb before I head to the movies.

FYI 32 ounces of coffee in a day will make one queasy. No bueno.

Here's to hoping work flies by tomorrow :)

Hello sleep I will be happy to see you :)

I am exhausted but I promised myself I would post.

This was my first full 10 hour day. It wasn't exactly tough....but I realized upon leaving work that I was very tired and that my patience had been worn thin by the very busy last couple of hours of work.

I also realized how very difficult it was for me to pick up my son, get home, change him into his pajamas and spend appx 2 hours of time with him. Yes for the entire day! I missed him very much. I am however, very excited to get to spend tomorrow with him and Miss M and Jude and Juliet and her mom Miss A at the Zoo! I am praying that the sunshine can hold on for just a little longer.

I am very excited about my new team at work. I am definitely enjoying my co-workers. This will absolutely help to ease the transition :)

I had spent the majority of this week acting like a rebellious teenager and eating whatever I wanted. I was extremely worried about the after affects (of course I didn't concern myself with this until the day before weigh in haha) I decided while talking to M tonight that I would go ahead and do a spot check. I was pleased to find I hadn't even gained back a full pound. And I generally weigh myself very first thing in the am after going to the restroom so it is quite possible that I didn't do any damage at all.

I am a realist, I do understand that I cannot eat that way all of the time and still not see retribution but I am glad that some 5 lb revolt was avoided. I am currently watching Unwrapped on Food Network, and Oh my goodness they are making cupcakes in a jar...layers of beautiful goodness and I am having to remind myself that I am trying to be responsible. Oh my goodness it just looks wonderful. I am watching these people bake the cupcakes and make butter cream frosting (my fave) and they are in such beautiful shape...the must have learned portion control because the 10k lbs of butter they use sure isn't hitting their thighs.

Oh my. I may just have to order them...really I can't imagine not having a chance to taste this. (food aholics anonymous I think I may have to join you soon)

Alright, obviously I am tired and possibly a bit delirious so I should end this post before it goes thoroughly awry.

And to all...a good night

Just have to laugh at yourself

Ah, I had the best of intentions for lent. I made it two days in a row and then my social calendar took over ;) I didn't hold myself to popping on just to write even one word or one blurb. Lets try again.

I had a wonderful "Fridate" with Jacquie & Emma. Jacquie and I had a long talk about God, and religions and a lot of things that I had really been lacking in my life. I feel better knowing that I am choosing to put God back into my life. I had lost a lot of my faith. I had turned that part off because it was too difficult for me to face. Of all of the beautiful things I love about the Catholic church, I equally despise the level of guilt that comes with the doctrine.

I am excited to find something that fits for me, something that brings me faith and strength without the extra helping of guilt :)

I have eaten like a kid just released from fat camp this past week. Back to feeling good about my food choices. As fun as it is to enjoy cheesecake, pizza, french dip, french fries, wine, chili cheese dip & chips, cheese and crackers, ice cream, girl scout cookies and Italian Creamosa's it is probably not the best idea to enjoy them over a 4 day time span lol. I am afraid to face the scale but this girl is going to suck it up. Say awesome trip down food memory lane and move forward.

Work is still something that I am deliberating about. But I have decided to maintain as positive an attitude as possible because I am tired of poisoning myself with a bad attitude. It bleeds into my home life and affects my time and relationship with my son. That just is not fair to him or to me. Find the positive and cling to it with everything you've got.

A day and a half of work and FINALLY a day off. That day will be filled with fun times at the Zoo. Boston & Julian's first trip!!! I cannot wait.

'Till next time....

One year.....

Happy Birthday to me! 29 wow...how do I feel about that.

29 used to sound old to me. (Ok I was 19 and yes that was 10 years ahead of me at that point but...) I feel wiser and of course more experienced than my former self which is a definite bonus. Although, I just don't feel old. I mean how have nearly 3 decades of my life happened already. Bizarre.

Work was definitely better today. I had a mini meltdown and allowed myself to just vent and cry and be upset last night so I felt relieved this morning. I decided enough with the attitude; I have got to do this job so I might as well try and put a better perspective in place. Being off of the phones for most of the morning helped as well :) Of course only really being able to enjoy the days where most of it doesn't involve my actual job probably isn't the best...but it is what it is.

We celebrated my birthday at work with pizza and cheese cake for lunch. It was fabulous.

This morning when I dropped my son off with my mom she had a heart shaped brownie waiting for me. I LOVE brownies. My mother is wonderful :) She and my son made a birthday card for me today. Inside was his hand-prints put together in the shape of a heart. Melted me :) It is amazing how something so sweet and simple just made my entire birthday. No crazy parties, no fancy dinner just a sweet card made with love.

Tomorrow is another mommy/baby date with Jacquie and Emma! I am very excited. My first crack at making French Dip....soooooo yummy. Details to come

40 days

So I keep reading all of these Facebook posts about Lent and what people are giving up. I've decided I'm not giving up anything. I am however going to write in this blog EVERY SINGLE DAY. So there will be 40 days of posts before I am done. I have no word requirements. So even if I just step on to say hello world I survived today then that will be fine by me.

I have faced a lot of challenges personally in the last week or two. I am having to face facts and determine what choices I really have at this moment, and how I can continue to put one foot in front of the other until the answer comes to me. I feel as though I am just whining and carrying on and adore my friends for putting up with me. I do not wish to drag them down with my frustrations I just have to get them out of my head where I can sort them.

God heard me today and graced me with a much needed break from taking phone calls, and presented me with the opportunity to present feedback and fuel the growth in other people. I can at least feel some joy from this. I can take that part of my job and revel in the fact that my knowledge and my skills can help someone else. I suppose I should look at each conversation I have with a customer as the same opportunity but...well sorry not just yet.

The bad attitude was poisoning me though...I have to knock it off. I have to find a way to get through what I do. At this moment in time I cannot finagle a way that I will be able to leave my present employer for anywhere else without being unable to pay my bills and support my son. Obviously not an option....I cannot tell you how disheartened that makes me. I loathe feeling trapped.

I complete another trip around the sun tomorrow. I am not sure exactly how I feel about it.

Part of me is happy to be close to being 30. I am so happy with the security and confidence that is coming with age. The other part of me says wow...this is the last year of my 20's and I feel so unaccomplished. I realize that few people do grandiose things with their lives. I just remember dreams in my late teens and early 20's of being that fashionable writer/editor working for a publisher or a magazine in New York. I wish I knew why I made the decision not to attend NYU. I was accepted, I just freaked out. I couldn't imagine moving that far away from everything I knew. I AM A GIANT CHICKEN. bock bock.

When I watch movies about writers, or artists of some design I feel a bit jealous. Then I chide myself for lacking the courage to take a dream and build on it. I lack the faith for the leap. Yes I know movies aren't real and life isn't neat and tidy with a start, climax and conclusion all wrapped in a pretty package. Not everyone gets that life affirming, character building moment surrounded by amazing theme music...but I certainly wouldn't cry if it happened :)

Time for pajamas and some t.v. zoning. I have got to get myself some new books, I need to read. (but I am one of those silly people who very, very rarely reads a book twice.)

TTFN

"Every woman should be the leading lady in her own life..."

I had a wonderful day yesterday! After far too many weeks of illness in my house I think that my son and I are better....or at least extremely close to back to normal :) I took advantage of that fact on Valentine's morning (yesterday) to make my little love bug heart shaped pancakes. Boston and I enjoyed breakfast and books and a morning of fun at the grocery store. Then while he napped I cleaned the carpet in the living room...btw the Woolite Rug Stick is pretty fabulous.

I have a lovely mountain of laundry to deal with...shocker ;) Laundry and I are good buddies through steps 1 and 2....step 3 (folding) well...we aren't always on the best of terms. But alas, I am craving cleanliness and order in my house so it will get done.

My son hit a milestone this past week. He now has a big boy bed :*o) I cannot believe that he is so quickly turning into my big boy and not my baby. Sometimes it causes my heart to ache. It is hard for me to know that this chapter flies so quickly. It is true when mother's tell you that you cannot fathom how deep and how utterly consuming your love for your child is. You cannot imagine how wholly you will care for this little person.

I am extremely excited to watch him grow and learn to communicate with me and the world around him. We go today to check out "discovery school" and look into that option as I begin my new work schedule.

Due to the past several weeks of illness I have definitely not been able to eat anything remotely near a well balanced diet. For the past week I have subsisted on saltines and Quaker oat squares cereal (dry). That was the only thing that wouldn't revolt and try to make a reappearance. Due to this fact though I have now reached 189ish which is kind of a pretty exciting thing even if I know it may potentially be short lived ;) In 6 more lbs I will FINALLY have reached 20 lbs of weight loss. I cannot wait to see 20 lbs.

I still haven't fully settled my debate regarding the elliptical machine. I am still pondering. I may for the first time in my life try layaway ;) It would take me appx a month and a half to pay off the machine I am looking at. I know I hear you say why not just save up that money and then go in and buy it...well my problem is monkey see, monkey spend ;) I'll end up cashing in for a mint milano instead. Alas, one more place to check out, because I am the "research it to death queen".

I am hoping that the Tuesdate is still on. Emma got sick when she came last for which I feel horrid! It happens, I know it...but I still feel very bad. If not a Tuesdate we may try for a Thursdate which is also my Birthdate hehe...rhyming is fun. Till then...

Countdown 1 yr 3 days.

Definitely still a chatty cathy...

I had a friend and her daughter over today and it was soooo nice to have gab time with a girlfriend and let the kiddos play. I forgot how much I miss socializing, and how monotonous life becomes when you work, then come home, converse with a 2yr old and go to bed.

I'm feeling like I had hit that stagnant place again, I wasn't moving forward....or really backward for that matter. I had reached a standstill and my mental gears were grinding. I want to find the courage within myself to move forward, no matter how small the step. I want to inch towards a happier place.

I think that my decision to proactively be more social is a definite step in that direction. I had a fantastic Tuesdate (yes Miss M I stole your term)...and planned another Tuesdate with Jacquie & Emma for next week. I am very excited....this may just become a regular occurrence.

The next step will be filling out a fafsa and trying to map out my course for finishing my final credits and just getting my damn B.S. I am so very close and it will be utterly ridiculous to just let it sit and waste away.

If I want something more, if I want opportunities this is a necessary step. I have found a great strength within myself in the past couple of years, and I know that if I am aware that finishing my degree is a NECESSARY step to my future happiness I can endure a lot to see it through.

One piece at a time.

I also still firmly hold that if I eat pizza I lose weight. (yes this seems counterproductive but I have results to prove it.) I lost 2 lbs this week!! I also remember that just about every single week of weight watchers where I ate either tacos or pizza I also lost weight. I have no science. I just have numbers :)....and that's my story and I'm stickin to it.

I cannot wait to reach the 180's I just want to get to the next set of 10's. I am soooo close. 192 right now ( and yes the number and the idea of the number still pains me but it is less than it was before and headed in the right direction.) Rockin hot mom here I come :)

I'm back...

Whoa 4 days and no post. Shame on me.

I had a few days of making less then beautiful food choices and yet somehow I managed to maintain my current weeks weight. ( I haven't posted it yet because it isn't my actual weigh in date. So I might as well make sure I truly maintain)

I was in a rough spot feeling very frustrated and defeated. I feel much better today and have decided to try and kick this little funk to the curb.

I am also trying to assert myself more with my ex and tell him (not just infer) that he is being immature and selfish. I need to tell him that I shouldn't have to ask him for something that he is already supposed to be doing. I should not have to be the only responsible parent. I hate that he is one of the very few that I am having a hard time saying look buddy you're pissing me the hell off.

I always worry about rocking the boat or causing him to exact his irritation with me on my son. I don't know that he would, I am just afraid to find out.

But honestly enough is enough. I'm not a door mat and I need to stop bending and placating just to avoid potential conflict.

I want to buy new clothes but I've decided I am not there yet. I haven't dropped enough lbs or inches to warrant needing the next size yet. So, until that happens no new clothes for this girl. Reward system right :)

Here is to a better day and a better week.

Taxing....

Today was very taxing and it left me questioning a lot of decisions that I need to make for myself. I wish I could say that they were just little meaningless decisions like what to have for dinner, or which shoes to wear tomorrow, but unfortunately, they are the BIG ONES.

I want so badly to enjoy what I do for a job, no to enjoy a career. I hope to find something more fulfilling that will also pay the bills for my son and I. I worry that I won't find this career and that I will spend my work life just getting by and having it slowly eat way at me.

I have days where I can do it and I feel the possibilities of moving forward, and then it just slips away like it was a dream and that the potential wasn't even there.

I hate that it makes me angry and that I let it fester. I'm tired of it. I know that life is life, and that because of my choices that my road isn't the easiest....but does it need to be the hardest? (yes I'm whining a little)

Day 1 of 20 interesting days

Today at work we begun a pilot program to help determine the future of our business. My group is the control group. There are both advantages and disadvantages to this. I am a little nervous about how this next 20 days will affect my sanity. Day 1 went by well, with the exception of having horrible call times. I don't know what my deal was, although a small part of me blames the codeine in my cough syrup...but that could not be helped because it was either be a little slower or cough my lungs out. (Tough choice I know ;)

I am so very interested in the results that this pilot will yield and it appeals to me at the very core. Yes you guessed it I am a giant nerd who loves statistical analysis of human reactions.

On a less positive note I gained 2 lbs this week. I can't really pinpoint any one thing I did because I did a few things haha. First I was barely eating enough while I was sick to get all my calories in, second when I did eat I ate more for comfort of the food than for nourishment of the food--therefore though I may have been eating within calories I was far too high on fat content. A potential third is that I got the Mirena put in place and I have no idea if the hormones will affect my weight loss results at all but I feel it is too early to put the blame there. I made choices that were not always the best and I did not exercise at all for the past two weeks. I finally have about 85% of my lung function back so I need to quit with the "I'm sick" and just get to it.

I really really want to purchase the elliptical when I get my taxes, but I also feel that I should put that money towards my son or putting him into classes or something. My one tiny just for me thought is that I will feel better and be a more healthy and active mommy for him if I get the ellitpical. Is this selfish? Should I put that money to use for him or for savings? UGH. He does also need a new bed....choices choices.

I made great food choices today, although I felt like I was STARVING. Looking at my intake and balance of fat,protein and carbs today was a good and well balanced day. If only I could be satisfied eating the same thing everyday....then I would always be balanced lol. The key for me is a little bit of planning and using my calculators EARLY in the day sort of like a gauge so that I don't overdo it and wait until too late to realize my consumption mistakes.

I have definitely found inspiration in miss M and hope to continue. I have to admit the green eyed monster kicks in every now and again. I hope to see great and continued results. This will mean more work and more dedication on my part. Excuses are easy---results are not.

On a completely different but equally important note; I was having a conversation with a longtime friend of mine yesterday. We were talking about my dating life and that in the recent months I have come to realize I am TERRIBLE at dating. I am interested I show it, I am not interested I show it. There is no mystery to me. I'm an open book (or open mouth insert foot;) kind of gal. A guy needs the chase, needs the mystery, needs to be needed. I have become so used to doing my life completely on my own and am so aware that I am perfectly capable of doing it...that I practically wear a neon sign that screams, thanks for applying but I don't need any assistance. But it isn't true and I just can't help myself. The other realization I had was that I don't think nearly highly enough about myself. I date guys who are at or below my level. Why?? Because I am ridiculous. Because I think that since I have just a so so job (not a career) that it doesn't matter if a guy is in the same boat and that I shouldn't judge him just because he's doing something just for now, or just to pay the current bills. I also feel that a guy who has finished college or who may have an actual career is somehow above me and unattainable. I don't like that realization. I don't like that I have put myself into that place. I don't want to date projects, or guys who aren't secure or who don't offer a potential of a comfortable and happy and interesting life. I want someone who is intelligent, because I am intelligent. At some point over the last several years I forgot that I am far more capable of just answering friggin phone calls. That I am a very intelligent person and I deserve someone just as intelligent and self sufficient as I am. I need to realize that it is OKAY to let someone take care of you, to let someone want to do things for me. I don't know why this is such a foreign concept, but I need to get with the program. This is going to be hard, this is going to take me out of my current (stupid) comfort zone. I have to admit to myself that it IS ME,that I am the one who doesn't fit because to be honest, most of these guys leave and tell me that I deserve better, that I am too good for them, or too giving/nice for them and you know what?? They are right. I am and if they can see it why can't I? It's about time I give myself some credit.

Teeter-Totter

I am working on improving my social life, which is good. What is not good, is that I am not balancing my food intake while at these social gatherings. It's easy to eat what you need to eat when it's just you and you're at home, or work--really any comfortable and familiar environment.

This past week I met up with an old friend for dinner with his family and we had pizza...now pizza isn't inherently bad, but when I eat 3 pieces and then have a couple of chicken wings instead of having just 2 pieces of pizza and stopping it becomes terrible. It feels horrible to have one meal be such a giant debit from the daily calorie bank.

I did a similar thing on Saturday when I went to Cinebarre with friends. It is a local movie theater where you can also eat dinner. They have these amazing fried pickles. So I had a (yes 1) fried pickle that a friend bought in an attempt to be good. Of course then I end up ordering a cheeseburger and fries AND onion rings. My only saving grace was that I did not at all like the batter on the onion rings so I ate one and a half. But oh my I demolished the burger and fries and it was soooo good. I had to force myself to enter in the meal honestly to sparkpeople.com. It was a good thing I did because whew I nearly had a heart attack.

Little splurges like that are ok every once in a while but not twice in a week period, and not on a week where I haven't been able to work out because I've had bronchitis.

I have a dinner date lined up for this week and next. What I need to do is find tasty calorie friendly meals so that I can enjoy the food and conversation without feeling that guilty pang. Practice makes perfect right :)

AHHHHHcomplishments

Wow, I am pretty darned impressed with myself. I am having an "I am woman hear me roar moment" Today I woke up feeling refreshed finally after getting some fantastic cough syrup with codeine from the doc. In the 8 1/2 hours that I have been up I have, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, washed the things that don't fit in, taken out the garbage in the kitchen and bathroom, vacuumed the floor, done laundry, rearranged my living room, taken a stroller for donation to the women's home just up the road from me, played with Boston and eaten a great salad. Now Boston is napping and I am thinking of what in the world we will do tomorrow since the chores are done.

I am going to have to get creative because we are short on funds. I am hoping it is just as gorgeous tomorrow as it was today and maybe we'll go to Silver Falls or to a park around here. It'll be good to get out and play. These last two weeks of illness have truly given me cabin fever.

I was excited to get out for a couple of hours last night and go to the movies. I wish we had taken a little more time and done dinner or cocktails. I miss being able to socialize with the grown ups. I long for dinner get togethers and game nights. I know they sound a little retro but I dig retro and I like inexpensive entertainment :)

I am hoping to hear back soon about my taxes. I REALLY want to get my elliptical machine. (although now that I rearranged my living room looks much bigger but I'm not sure exactly where I will put the machine now haha. Oh well I will find a space. I suppose the nice thing about doing my taxes myself is I got to see right away what my return is. But I am extremely appreciative of my sis-in-law's mom who does my taxes for me. I trust that she is getting me my maximum refund.

so I am nearly 30 days into the start of "project me" and so far so good. I have had a few introspective days recently discovering why it is I am such a terrible dater. I HATE dating. I love flirting and I like the excitement of getting the butterflies while talking/texting someone but I am terrible at playing the game. I swear I need my own Hitch lol. Ah well. It'll all roll itself out.

Potato and cheddar soup for dinner, I think I may go and make some biscuits to go with. I had a large salad for lunch so I have quite a few calories left to get in :) I felt a little guilty for my nearly 1300 calorie meal at dinner. Cinebarre is great fun, but it is so hard to resist burgers and fries and fried pickles.

18 days and I will be 29. Then 1 more year of this project. I am soooo excited for this year to come :)

I'm a little ridiculous

Just a quick blurb. I have to learn to laugh at myself and accept less than perfection. I am just silly. I made cinnamon rolls from scratch last night and was quite irritated that they didn't rise as I thought they would. Then I baked them for less than the 30 min time frame called for and a part of the batch still burned. I was NOT happy. I wouldn't have cared but I am bringing them to work and I sort of have this rep as a baker of super tasty and really beautiful things. I like that rep. It makes me proud.

Thankfully a wonderful work buddy (love ya Cheri) was im-ing me this morning and reminded me that not even Rachel or Julia have been without blunders and the occasional less than pretty production.

Ah, coffee, clothing and off to work I drag myself.

Aw Crap...

Ok so for once I was actually hungry during the day so I ate really really well. I knew that after work I would be going over to my friend Jose's house to hang out with his family and have dinner. So what do we order pizza....my nemesis (not really more like my all time love) and what do I do...consume 3 pieces instead of the 1 or 2 I need. Then....yep I had a few chicken wings. Actually 2 so I can legitimately call that a couple. Then (yep there is and "an den") a rum and coke. Just one....so that meal....ugh this pains me the horror of reality.....ALONE.....was my ENTIRE DAY of calories. (on the low end of the scale but OH MY GOSH). Even with the rest of the food I only went 200 calories over my daily intake. I can't beat myself up over it necessarily. But I have the lung capacity of a 30 yr smoker right now and my throat is still raw as all get out so I can't work out yet.

I could poke myself in the eye. GRR...

Ok slip up. Deal with it. Move on.

I swear I'm gonna dream of a giant chicken wing chasing me , only it'll have a huge cellulity butt.

Bleach this...

Oh my goodness, so I finally have the energy today to do a good thorough cleaning which is precisely what I did. My apartment smells of citrus scented bleach wipes and swiffer cleaning solution. But I feel like I may indeed have made a small step forward and killed a few of my evil enemy germs.

My throat is still very swollen and raw and of course an 8 hour day of taking phone calls does nothing to help that out. But oh well. I will get some tea and enjoy some biggest loser. I am still not feeling healthy enough to get in a good workout, maybe I'll try some biking tomorrow and see how that goes.

I have found an elliptical trainer on HSN that I am very interested in. I will see how I do with this years taxes and that may just be a purchase I am making. I am worried that with my schedule at work the gym won't be something I will be able to do. I also cannot imagine affording it at the moment. With the change to the bonus structure I am feeling extremely poor at the moment. I am just barely getting paycheck to paycheck and I do not enjoy this feeling.

At this moment the couch is calling and my soul and my body need some much deserved rest. I hope to gain inspiration and a better insight though the stories of others.

I did go up .2 lbs this week but I can't hate on that. 2/10th's of a lbs is very little and I was unable to exercise at all last week. I stayed within my calories but I ate too much in the way of fat, and not enough in the way of protein.

Better choices, better tomorrows

In need of an adjustment

I know that chiropractors adjust bad backs, but who adjusts bad attitudes? Shakrapractors? No idea...anyway it doesn't so much matter, I realize that ultimately it's in my hands. But I am in a foul mood, and of course what do I want to help me adjust that mood a friggin cookie. Oh how poorly I have trained myself. (or wait, maybe I did amazingly well at training myself; I just picked the wrong things as my rewards)

The taste is great...but the guilt I now get from eating such things is not. After having a week (plus a few days) from hell with one illness after another coursing through my poor baby boy's body and then finally attacking mine; then a trip to the Dr. for my son's 2 yr check up to learn that he has an ear infection; and then talking to someone I had begun dating casually within the last month and finding out they now have a girlfriend and that they are certain that "god has sent this person into his life" I was frustrated and disappointed and exhausted. So I did what any true to form overweight person does I went looking for my cookie of solace. I found it while waiting at Walgreens for my son's prescription; and wouldn't you know it...they were 2 for 6 dollars what a bargain. Surely 2 bags of Chewey Chips Ahoy cookies could cure my emotional/physical emptiness. HA HA HA HA HA. Oh the things I have taught myself.

Small saving grace #1 I am still sick so the usually alluring taste of the cookie wasn't the same because my taste buds are still improperly functioning. Small saving grace #2 my friend answered my text reminding me to be strong, and that even though she too is in a terrible mood she will not binge on the cheesecake she is so badly craving. We will feel much better and our forms will thank us for not screwing up all of our hard work.

I have to admit that my impatience definitely takes over at times like these and I just want to be thin and sexy NOW. (yes yes, call me Violet Beauregarde I don't care) I don't want it to take months to come off....it sure as hell didn't take months to put on. Bah.

Ok at this point I am just grouchy, no need to go putting any more of that out there...signing off until a better attitude finds my soul

ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH

So in the last 7 days I have dealt with, fever, vomit, diarrhea, horrendous gas, lack of appetite, loss of thirst, lack of sleep, boogie nose, cough, head cold and now a friggin RASH. This mommy has had enough. My poor son. I feel terribly that I cannot get him healthy. It makes me feel as though I am failing at something. I clean, I wash, I "hanitize" and I brush his teeth. Why won't these blessed germs go the F away!

So after taking pictures on my phone and sending them to my dad, then to my mom when he was busy I finally called the Dr. and fantastically enough she allowed me to send them to her. I do love the modern age for some things.

In my exhausted stupor I mused to my sister-in-law that I need to create some sort of home sanitizing product that works much in the way a flea bomb works. Is this possible? I wonder. I need to get a patent on that ish right now. To put the cherry on top I am now catching whatever death plague this is. Thank the lord for Alka-Seltzer cold medicine. I swear, I am going to find out whose got my kryptonite and make them eat it. This mommy needs her super hero powers.

I did not make it to the gym at lunch. I forgive myself though, because this pile of jell-o masquerading as my muscles today was not going to make it through any sort of work out without falling to a heap on the floor and not getting back up.

I pray for sleep and health by the end of this weekend. Please, please Lord. This mommy is hanging on by the tiniest of threads....