Monday, March 1, 2010

Take it and flip it

I started out this morning with a very bad attitude. I woke up feeling alright. I actually woke up about 30 min before my alarm clock, but since I felt fully rested I just enjoyed the shower in the AM and some coffee before the bug woke up.

It was while I was driving to work that the darn tape reels in my head began to playback the events of a particularly frustrating phone call from the day before. This is ridiculous you might say, I mean why would a person replay a stupid phone call from the day before. The answer...because this damn job haunts me. Not in a creepy or romantic way, but in a can't get away from the insanity because my overactive mind drags it with me everywhere I go.

I hear the damn "whisper" when it isn't even ready to happen, I can recite it word for word. That is not pleasant. I know that she brings forth the possibility of yet another self indulgent individual who feels they are entitled to being paid for their stupidity. I am sorry but I will not award your inability to think and or act for yourself. (this of course is not directed at those who have a truly viable reason why they wouldn't be able to think and or act for themselves)

I apologized to a co-worker for bringing that attitude in with me, I realized very quickly that it wasn't fair of me to put that on him and hope that his cheery disposition would snap me out of it. In true sweetheart form he did just that and told me not to apologize, but of course I did it anyway :) I decided at that moment enough with the previous day ruining my current day and decided to focus on as much of the positives that I could.

I did indeed help a few who truly deserved it and it made my heart happy to be able to pass along some good in this world. It may be simple and I may only be helping with a fairly small aspect of their life...but nonetheless I helped.

I am still frantically bouncing around ideas of which path to follow towards the future. So far there is no clear front runner. Meh. I will just keep researching and making my pros and cons list. (I am such an A type personality lol)

I am still praying to God for guidance. I know that if I could just shush my brain for long enough to listen I would hear some clue, some tug towards a clearer answer. I am going to have to work for that. I am terrible at being quiet. I can turn off my mouth, I just fail often at turning off my brain.

I have been making decent, but not amazing choices when it comes to meal time. Most often I am giving right back into the comfort of enjoying food and letting it fill my nervous/scared places. I should learn that my nervous/scared places don't need to be blobby/jiggly places as well :)

I am super happy to be firmly in a size 14. I hope to soon be firmly in a 12. (on a plus side, all of the dresses I just bought are 12, although I tend to count pants size over dress size).

**random thought: Do women go by dress size because all we used to wear are dresses???

I am happy to feel good about getting into a dress again. For the longest time I was just so unbelievably uncomfortable in a dress. I am now finding new confidence and am able to put one on and feel more womanly. Odd how hard it is for me sometimes to identify with being a woman. It sounds strange but I guess because for so long I have adopted the role of taking care of myself, and being mommy & daddy for my son that I almost forget that I am a woman. That it is okay for me to want to have someone to take care of me, or take care of the "heavy lifting" so to speak. I should be able to enjoy someone showering me with some attention or treating me as somewhat demure. I guess I just never really learned how to be a woman who enjoys, and lets a man take care of her. I should learn how to do that, because I do realize that a certain part of a man's persona/pride is about being able to take care of and provide for his mate/spouse (insert whatever term you are most comfortable with)

Hmm....lots to ponder.

No comments:

Post a Comment