I have faced a lot of challenges personally in the last week or two. I am having to face facts and determine what choices I really have at this moment, and how I can continue to put one foot in front of the other until the answer comes to me. I feel as though I am just whining and carrying on and adore my friends for putting up with me. I do not wish to drag them down with my frustrations I just have to get them out of my head where I can sort them.
God heard me today and graced me with a much needed break from taking phone calls, and presented me with the opportunity to present feedback and fuel the growth in other people. I can at least feel some joy from this. I can take that part of my job and revel in the fact that my knowledge and my skills can help someone else. I suppose I should look at each conversation I have with a customer as the same opportunity but...well sorry not just yet.
The bad attitude was poisoning me though...I have to knock it off. I have to find a way to get through what I do. At this moment in time I cannot finagle a way that I will be able to leave my present employer for anywhere else without being unable to pay my bills and support my son. Obviously not an option....I cannot tell you how disheartened that makes me. I loathe feeling trapped.
I complete another trip around the sun tomorrow. I am not sure exactly how I feel about it.
Part of me is happy to be close to being 30. I am so happy with the security and confidence that is coming with age. The other part of me says wow...this is the last year of my 20's and I feel so unaccomplished. I realize that few people do grandiose things with their lives. I just remember dreams in my late teens and early 20's of being that fashionable writer/editor working for a publisher or a magazine in New York. I wish I knew why I made the decision not to attend NYU. I was accepted, I just freaked out. I couldn't imagine moving that far away from everything I knew. I AM A GIANT CHICKEN. bock bock.
When I watch movies about writers, or artists of some design I feel a bit jealous. Then I chide myself for lacking the courage to take a dream and build on it. I lack the faith for the leap. Yes I know movies aren't real and life isn't neat and tidy with a start, climax and conclusion all wrapped in a pretty package. Not everyone gets that life affirming, character building moment surrounded by amazing theme music...but I certainly wouldn't cry if it happened :)
Time for pajamas and some t.v. zoning. I have got to get myself some new books, I need to read. (but I am one of those silly people who very, very rarely reads a book twice.)
TTFN
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