First steps down a long road...

Today I woke up conscious of the fact that I want to make steps in a new direction. Instead of getting that yummy cookie with my coffee, as I so dearly love to do I blew it a kiss and waved farewell as I drove away from the Dutch Brothers. I won't lie though, at about 8 am I was really craving that morning sugar.

Sugar is something that I have always had a weakness for. I love it, nearly all forms of it. It makes me feel happy and I think that it carries with it some nostalgia. For example if I hit up the coast it just isn't a finished trip without a stop at the red & white striped candy shop. I have to come out of there with at least a 1/4 of a lb of salt water taffy. Now I am fully aware that sugar is nothing but a quick burst of energy followed by a long term relationship with thunderous thighs and more than a few dimples in places far less cute than your cheeks.

But alas, we have been longtime friends and I'm finding the relationship hard to let go (insert tune from Boyz II Men " It's sooooo hard to say good bye.....to yesterdayyyyy). This will definitely be my biggest struggle for sure. I am not absurdly expecting myself to forgo sugar altogether, I do however realize that I MUST NOT start every morning with a cookie of some sort; and it is probably best not to end with a handful of Kisses.

Wow, I was not expecting this to turn into a swan song for my sugary hearts desire. But I suppose it is cathartic to write about the loss. What I meant to do today was sing my praise for choosing a turkey sandwich at lunch instead of a burger and fries. I also meant to rejoice in the fact that instead of heading out to the smoke shack to ease the tension of back to back lunacy I chose to talk to friends/co-workers and enjoy a little FB time.

What I didn't get to today is a little mini work out. This too is going to be a challenge to incorporate into my day. I think I am afraid to begin--silly as that may sound. I've been really sick for a couple of weeks and don't want my lack of lung capacity to frustrate me into quitting. My fear is that I'll always have some excuse and that I will never get started. Or, maybe my fear is that I will like it and have to break out of my comfortable-as-the-couch-I-lounge-on shell and find ways to be an active and outgoing person.

There is a great deal of security in spending time safe in my home. Branching out and rejoining the social world has been a bit scary. I've spent the last year and a half recovering from a very rough break up and raising my nearly 2 year old son. I find safety in solitude. No arguments, no questions of my parenting style, no having to share myself or let myself be vulnerable, no let downs. I realize that all of that equals no opportunities to grow and find someone who I may enjoy spending time with; it is just that the idea of that really scares the piss out of me.

I also decided today that I want to photographically track my progress. As much as I may hate to see the "before" me, I am extremely excited to meet my after :)