AHHHHHcomplishments

Wow, I am pretty darned impressed with myself. I am having an "I am woman hear me roar moment" Today I woke up feeling refreshed finally after getting some fantastic cough syrup with codeine from the doc. In the 8 1/2 hours that I have been up I have, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, washed the things that don't fit in, taken out the garbage in the kitchen and bathroom, vacuumed the floor, done laundry, rearranged my living room, taken a stroller for donation to the women's home just up the road from me, played with Boston and eaten a great salad. Now Boston is napping and I am thinking of what in the world we will do tomorrow since the chores are done.

I am going to have to get creative because we are short on funds. I am hoping it is just as gorgeous tomorrow as it was today and maybe we'll go to Silver Falls or to a park around here. It'll be good to get out and play. These last two weeks of illness have truly given me cabin fever.

I was excited to get out for a couple of hours last night and go to the movies. I wish we had taken a little more time and done dinner or cocktails. I miss being able to socialize with the grown ups. I long for dinner get togethers and game nights. I know they sound a little retro but I dig retro and I like inexpensive entertainment :)

I am hoping to hear back soon about my taxes. I REALLY want to get my elliptical machine. (although now that I rearranged my living room looks much bigger but I'm not sure exactly where I will put the machine now haha. Oh well I will find a space. I suppose the nice thing about doing my taxes myself is I got to see right away what my return is. But I am extremely appreciative of my sis-in-law's mom who does my taxes for me. I trust that she is getting me my maximum refund.

so I am nearly 30 days into the start of "project me" and so far so good. I have had a few introspective days recently discovering why it is I am such a terrible dater. I HATE dating. I love flirting and I like the excitement of getting the butterflies while talking/texting someone but I am terrible at playing the game. I swear I need my own Hitch lol. Ah well. It'll all roll itself out.

Potato and cheddar soup for dinner, I think I may go and make some biscuits to go with. I had a large salad for lunch so I have quite a few calories left to get in :) I felt a little guilty for my nearly 1300 calorie meal at dinner. Cinebarre is great fun, but it is so hard to resist burgers and fries and fried pickles.

18 days and I will be 29. Then 1 more year of this project. I am soooo excited for this year to come :)

I'm a little ridiculous

Just a quick blurb. I have to learn to laugh at myself and accept less than perfection. I am just silly. I made cinnamon rolls from scratch last night and was quite irritated that they didn't rise as I thought they would. Then I baked them for less than the 30 min time frame called for and a part of the batch still burned. I was NOT happy. I wouldn't have cared but I am bringing them to work and I sort of have this rep as a baker of super tasty and really beautiful things. I like that rep. It makes me proud.

Thankfully a wonderful work buddy (love ya Cheri) was im-ing me this morning and reminded me that not even Rachel or Julia have been without blunders and the occasional less than pretty production.

Ah, coffee, clothing and off to work I drag myself.

Aw Crap...

Ok so for once I was actually hungry during the day so I ate really really well. I knew that after work I would be going over to my friend Jose's house to hang out with his family and have dinner. So what do we order pizza....my nemesis (not really more like my all time love) and what do I do...consume 3 pieces instead of the 1 or 2 I need. Then....yep I had a few chicken wings. Actually 2 so I can legitimately call that a couple. Then (yep there is and "an den") a rum and coke. Just one....so that meal....ugh this pains me the horror of reality.....ALONE.....was my ENTIRE DAY of calories. (on the low end of the scale but OH MY GOSH). Even with the rest of the food I only went 200 calories over my daily intake. I can't beat myself up over it necessarily. But I have the lung capacity of a 30 yr smoker right now and my throat is still raw as all get out so I can't work out yet.

I could poke myself in the eye. GRR...

Ok slip up. Deal with it. Move on.

I swear I'm gonna dream of a giant chicken wing chasing me , only it'll have a huge cellulity butt.

Bleach this...

Oh my goodness, so I finally have the energy today to do a good thorough cleaning which is precisely what I did. My apartment smells of citrus scented bleach wipes and swiffer cleaning solution. But I feel like I may indeed have made a small step forward and killed a few of my evil enemy germs.

My throat is still very swollen and raw and of course an 8 hour day of taking phone calls does nothing to help that out. But oh well. I will get some tea and enjoy some biggest loser. I am still not feeling healthy enough to get in a good workout, maybe I'll try some biking tomorrow and see how that goes.

I have found an elliptical trainer on HSN that I am very interested in. I will see how I do with this years taxes and that may just be a purchase I am making. I am worried that with my schedule at work the gym won't be something I will be able to do. I also cannot imagine affording it at the moment. With the change to the bonus structure I am feeling extremely poor at the moment. I am just barely getting paycheck to paycheck and I do not enjoy this feeling.

At this moment the couch is calling and my soul and my body need some much deserved rest. I hope to gain inspiration and a better insight though the stories of others.

I did go up .2 lbs this week but I can't hate on that. 2/10th's of a lbs is very little and I was unable to exercise at all last week. I stayed within my calories but I ate too much in the way of fat, and not enough in the way of protein.

Better choices, better tomorrows

In need of an adjustment

I know that chiropractors adjust bad backs, but who adjusts bad attitudes? Shakrapractors? No idea...anyway it doesn't so much matter, I realize that ultimately it's in my hands. But I am in a foul mood, and of course what do I want to help me adjust that mood a friggin cookie. Oh how poorly I have trained myself. (or wait, maybe I did amazingly well at training myself; I just picked the wrong things as my rewards)

The taste is great...but the guilt I now get from eating such things is not. After having a week (plus a few days) from hell with one illness after another coursing through my poor baby boy's body and then finally attacking mine; then a trip to the Dr. for my son's 2 yr check up to learn that he has an ear infection; and then talking to someone I had begun dating casually within the last month and finding out they now have a girlfriend and that they are certain that "god has sent this person into his life" I was frustrated and disappointed and exhausted. So I did what any true to form overweight person does I went looking for my cookie of solace. I found it while waiting at Walgreens for my son's prescription; and wouldn't you know it...they were 2 for 6 dollars what a bargain. Surely 2 bags of Chewey Chips Ahoy cookies could cure my emotional/physical emptiness. HA HA HA HA HA. Oh the things I have taught myself.

Small saving grace #1 I am still sick so the usually alluring taste of the cookie wasn't the same because my taste buds are still improperly functioning. Small saving grace #2 my friend answered my text reminding me to be strong, and that even though she too is in a terrible mood she will not binge on the cheesecake she is so badly craving. We will feel much better and our forms will thank us for not screwing up all of our hard work.

I have to admit that my impatience definitely takes over at times like these and I just want to be thin and sexy NOW. (yes yes, call me Violet Beauregarde I don't care) I don't want it to take months to come off....it sure as hell didn't take months to put on. Bah.

Ok at this point I am just grouchy, no need to go putting any more of that out there...signing off until a better attitude finds my soul

ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH

So in the last 7 days I have dealt with, fever, vomit, diarrhea, horrendous gas, lack of appetite, loss of thirst, lack of sleep, boogie nose, cough, head cold and now a friggin RASH. This mommy has had enough. My poor son. I feel terribly that I cannot get him healthy. It makes me feel as though I am failing at something. I clean, I wash, I "hanitize" and I brush his teeth. Why won't these blessed germs go the F away!

So after taking pictures on my phone and sending them to my dad, then to my mom when he was busy I finally called the Dr. and fantastically enough she allowed me to send them to her. I do love the modern age for some things.

In my exhausted stupor I mused to my sister-in-law that I need to create some sort of home sanitizing product that works much in the way a flea bomb works. Is this possible? I wonder. I need to get a patent on that ish right now. To put the cherry on top I am now catching whatever death plague this is. Thank the lord for Alka-Seltzer cold medicine. I swear, I am going to find out whose got my kryptonite and make them eat it. This mommy needs her super hero powers.

I did not make it to the gym at lunch. I forgive myself though, because this pile of jell-o masquerading as my muscles today was not going to make it through any sort of work out without falling to a heap on the floor and not getting back up.

I pray for sleep and health by the end of this weekend. Please, please Lord. This mommy is hanging on by the tiniest of threads....

Poke em in the eye.....

It is thoroughly frustrating to have to help out a grown a$$ person because they cannot manage their own affairs. Why do I do it you may ask? Because I am too stinking nice and because I am inextricably tied to this person for the better part of the next two decades. You don't want to kick a person when they're down but sometimes a good kick to the arse is exactly what they need. I may be puttin my boots on soon.

This week has been very trying and rewarding all at the same time. I don't feel as though I've done fantabulously with my eating. It hasn't been terrible. I had a couple of things that I couldn't find calories for, and I am a little bit frustrated that I could just write the food in and fake the calories on spark people. You know, at least get a decent guestimate. No matter, I just added it to the total showing on the screen so that I could stay within my range as closely as possible.

Yesterday I slipped off the nicotine free wagon. I let a stupid stressful irritating situation get to me instead of just dealing with it. I knew I was tired and overwrought after my long weekend with a sick babe. I did however only have half of the cigarette. Then I went and walked out the rest of my frustration and it felt great. I slacked today at lunch though. I just can't seem to get my energy back. NO excuses I will be in there tomorrow, if not looking to find something I can do tonight. It's important and it does make me feel better.

On the upside I did get the shift I wanted. I am nervous about working 10's. I haven't done that in a very long time. I am really hoping that all of my agonizing over every logistic of each schedule worked well for me as it has in the past. I suppose, worse comes to worse and I wait for a mini bid to see if I can opt into another shift. I think that it will all be for the best.

Now if only socially things could round out for me. Meh. One step at a time I suppose

Just when you think you can't take any more...

Today was a test of my limits, and well, I can say that I didn't fail...but I do not feel like I passed with flying colors either.

Motherhood is a great challenge with great rewards. I've spent the last three days surrounded by vomit or poop in no given order and without deference to the other. Then came the pink eye. I feel terribly for my son, and I realize that he must feel awful. I also realize that I am exhausted. The last time I was getting four hours of sleep a night was when my son was a newborn. I have gotten spoiled by his ability to sleep through the night. I could feel my strength and patience wearing thin today. He had a great start...and did well at the Doctors. Then came the nap time which he only took during the 20 minute car ride home. My son sleeps generally 1 to 2 hours min for his nap. So I now had a tired, sick and hungry (but unable to eat without getting ill) son. This began an on and off string of tears and screaming and kicking for an hour or so. Now this outburst surely made me want to have an outburst of my own. There is nothing worse than not being able to make the illness of your child magically disappear. All parents know this.

Today was a test of my ability to not turn to food for comfort, or to turn to nicotine.

I succeeded in the nicotine round. I semi-failed in the food round.

Round two (aka food round) was a decent attempt though. I thought I really wanted nachos...so I got out the fat free beans, and the low fat sour cream. I didn't go captain insane-o with the cheese as I wanted desperately to do. I kept my calories within the limit for the day but I was lacking in both protein and carbs and WAY OVER in fat. Stupid, stupid lovable fat. I hate you. Why must you satiate my brain....because yes I know it's my brain you're after...and my love handles. You know I'm addicted to our poisonous relationship. Our love is a battlefield, and I want to get some boots made for walkin.

B is now asleep and I pray that he stays that way. I think I may burst a capillary if he wakes up again as he has the last few nights. Of course, smart mommy would be sleeping right now but I just want to enjoy some awake downtime. I need to be rested and do all that I can to make it in to work tomorrow.

Giant Sigh....Work. Our love is also a battlefield...sadly no boots made (unless they are attached to a gajillionaire) will allow me to walk away from you. I love my co-workers. I do not love my clients...for the most part. Accountability is lacking and that just irks me to no end. But c'est la vie. I am staring at the bid form, as we bid for shifts every 6 months based on rankings and various BS drummed up by the man to get our little ducks in a row ( for once I think I'll be a goose and see what happens ;) Anywho....I am staring at the bid and not loving what I am looking at. I think I found a shift that will work that I can live with. Well that not only I can live with, but me, my son, his dad, my mom and potentially a school facility. Planning is AWESOME.

It does however mean that the gym will not fit in my life for the next 6 months so now the choice is do I get sweatier on my lunch (he he) or do I invest in a piece of equipment for home and get dedicated to using it?

I guess we shall see what my tax return says haha.

PS. I am down 3 lbs since last week!

Exhaustified....

I had a great time yesterday hanging out with Kelsey and her family. I must admit I was a little nervous being in a space with so many kids when I hadn't had much sleep the night before. I used to be able to be around all kinds of noise whenever, now I tend to get a little overwhelmed if it gets too noisy or intense. Fortunately K has fantastic littles and B was in pretty good form himself.

We made nummy tacos for dinner and I was so excited. Now we did got a little traditional (aka fat laden) and fry up corn tortillas. I could NOT resist....they were amazing. I had tracked all of my calories for the morning and knew I didn't have a ton left. I made the choice to just enjoy the evening and not freak out over my intake.

Yes I know you are shaking your finger at me saying, "life will always be about choices....it's almost like being an addict--a food addict--you need to choose the right stuff or this journey will be for naught" But well I said screw it bring on the tacos. When I returned home Boston had fallen asleep already so I put him to bed. I pulled up sparkpeople to put in my calories....but I freaked. I didn't want to face the music. So what did I do? I chickened out and went to read instead. Disappointing yes but well, sometimes I just can't handle the truth and I like to be an ostrich and bury my head in the sand instead. Boston woke up 3 hours later and vomited again and had diarrhea . NOT a pleasant greeting when you open the door to his bedroom. So again I got him cleaned up and the nasty linens into the washing machine. He decided that he was awake. I decided that I was exhausted. So from 10 until 2 am Boston was awake and ready to go and I was in and out on the couch. Praise all that is good and holy for Sprout tv. I finally drug the boy to bed at 2 and he finally fell asleep about 45 min later only to awake recharged at 6:30. This momma wanted to cry. Fortunately I come prepared....Coffee and I are like peas and carrots.

After feeding B breakfast and getting my coffee I realized that I simply had to face facts and put in the calories from last night. Much to my surprise I was still within my daily calories. I was not however within my daily fat allowance but I can work on that. It was nice to know that even without completely consciously making my decision about dinner I still subconsciously kept my portions within reason.

Weigh in tomorrow. Fingers crossed.....I really really really need to see that needle drop.

Slacker...

Alright I have been a terrible slacker. It has been 4 days since my last post (confession). These last few days I have amped up the desire to make healthy changes. I finally got paid and was able to get my kitchen restocked with groceries that would provide healthy options instead of just crackers and cheese and whatever else I could scrounge up :) It feels so good to have a kitchen full of options and to know that those options will not cause me to cringe and later regret my choice.

I walked on lunch 3 out of the 5 days so I don't feel too terribly. My only frustration is that I reach the peak of enjoying my work out and getting into that good groove when I have to stop and get de-sweatified and then go make my lunch. There is no way around it though so I have accepted it and feel lucky/happy that I am doing even just that little burst of a work out during the day. Better than nothing right? I am still frustrated that I am seeing very little movement on the scale and don't feel much movement in my shape. I attribute this to being in the midst of my "womanly" time but I think that's bogus. (ok really it isn't bogus but I just really really want to see some improvement)

I am enjoying the renewed energy and the pride I feel by working out and by taking charge and eating better. I feel like but getting myself under control and enjoying a healthier lifestyle I will be better equipped to set a great example for my son. I realize now why so many of my friends chose healthier foods and were more active as kids because of the fact that their parents set that example. I am by no means knocking my parents or our life growing up, I'm just saying that I didn't learn all of those skills early.

I will be measuring next week. I'm trying to do it on a monthly basis. My fingers are crossed that I will see some results. I am looking forward to seeing a shrinking waistline and smaller thighs. Ugh my thighs....there is a giant wall of mirrors in the work out room and while I walk on the treadmill I get to see the way my legs move and lets just say I don't like it. I want to feel like Heidi Klum walkin the catwalk not like the Pillsbury Dough boy rollin out his buns.

Welcome 3rd week of a new start....lets get this party started (ooh good Pink reference...she has a rockstar body too...lets work for that, except that I'll be curvier that biatch has the boy shape)

Burn baby burn...

I decided yesterday to take my emotional issues and turn them into some energy. During Biggest Loser Couples, a friend on Facebook posted that she would be doing 5 real push ups. So I being insane wrote back and said I would see her push ups and raise her a set of lunges. OH MY GOSH. I had no idea how high I had upped the ante. Heaven help me I realized about the 4th commercial break of....oh a million ;) It was a 2 hour show, and honestly I have no idea how many commercial breaks they were. Guess it would have been smart to count the sets haha. Regardless my quads are burning like nobody's business. I actually am happy about that burn for once. It is as though it reminds me that I do have quad muscles and once had pretty nice legs. I can't wait to see those legs again.

I am pretty irritated with myself today still though. I lied to myself. I let myself slack all because I was too lazy to put together lunch. So for the 2nd day in a row I did not go to the gym and walk on my lunch. Instead I found it all too easy to make up reasons why I didn't have the time, or how I needed to get lunch first and that wouldn't leave me walking time. WRONG. As I waited for the pizza delivery guy (we'll get to that addiction later) I had a full 35 min I could have been walking. I am ridiculous. Well I made dinner tonight and have already pre-packaged it so it is lunch ready for the next two days. No more excuses. Make the time.

My eyes were opened wide when I watched an image of a 500+ lb man being shown his body on an MRI scan where his actual bones and muscles were and what else was fat. I could not believe my eyes. It was literally a person trapped inside of a fat facade. I realize that I am not 500+ lbs...but I do suffer from a similar illusion. This man sat there, his jaw dropping. Then he says to the Dr. "I have just always thought of myself as a big person. That I had big bones and big muscles and just an overall large frame. But now I can see that I've just been lying to myself, that somehow I have to break this false image I have of myself".

I think that this is often true for many overweight people, especially people who have been overweight for a large percentage of their life. You get used to seeing yourself that way, and you just start to think that this is your frame, this is your size and aside from visible rolls that are OBVIOUSLY fat you think the rest must just be you.

I want to break that lie. I want to see how fabulous I can actually look.

Here's to it :)

Emotional day

For once my emotional day didn't lead to a day of terrible eating....it however, also did not lead to working out diligently and burning off some of that yuck.

Tomorrow is a new day. I forgive myself for giving into being upset and letting that ruin my drive to do something good for myself. Thank you to Liz for posting up a challenge on Facebook to do 5 push ups during the Biggest Loser commercials, and "thank you" to me for raising the ante by a set of lunges each commercial too. WHEW. I will appreciate it tomorrow.

I was just slightly under my calories but definitely over in fat. NOT the best sign ever ;) Tomorrow will be a better day. I will work on my attitude...and drive myself to succeed both in my personal and my professional goals so I can feel good for achieving something. I am tired of getting so close to the next rung on the ladder and just barely missing it. It's starting to really piss me the hell off. I want to take that feeling and use it to move forward.

Gotta start a search for my mp3 player. This girl needs some lunchtime tunes.

Alright. Off to bed I go.

lazy lazy lazy day

I spent so much time this morning trying to avoid polishing off the birthday cake I baked for my son yesterday that I ended up sorely short on calories by 5pm. I have made up the difference but now I feel all bloaty and even more lazy than I have all day.

I'm lacking energy and enthusiasm today. I am most definitely looking forward to working out on lunch again tomorrow :) I need the movement. Boy do I lack the discipline to work out at home. Grrr... I'm in a weird brain place today. I do not like it and I want to enter the happy place I was in a few days ago.

I don't have much for today. I feel blah and a wee bit bummed but for no good reason at all.

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I am very afraid that I am going to see an increase. I don't really know why either. I actually got in some fitness this week, and I ate within my calories every single day...here's praying for a lower number. If I don't see that lower number, please Lord let it spark in me a desire to just work harder next week and not give in to the temptation to just become lazy again.

Actually pictures from Christmas are enough inspiration for me right now. I saw a picture of me in one of my favorite sweaters and it made me want to gag. I had NO idea how I look in the sweater in reality. I sometimes wonder if my brain has set up a safety shield to protect me from the reality that is my figure ;)

Bad girl.....I've neglected you

Oops....alright already starting to neglect my promise to myself to blog every day, or about everyday. So now as my punishment I am going to have to try to remember what I've done the last two days (since the 10th has just now started)

Now lets see, the 8th was Friday.... Ah yes Friday was a decent day. A tad bit busy at work but not too bad. I remembered to bring my little tasty rice cake/peanut butter treat to work and eat on my break. I had been having a killer time trying to get my calories in because I usually consumed about 100 or less by drinking coffee up until my lunch time at about 11am. Well that only left me between 9 and 10 hours to get in another 1200-1300 calories (may seem easy but trust me it's not) I also made myself smile by working out on my lunch. My only frustration with the lunch work out is that I don't quite have enough time to really get going. In my 20 minutes I get just started into that zone where the endorphins are beginning to kick in and the work out is feeling good and energized. I have to stop at 20 min so that I have time to change my shirt ( no gross girl going back to her desk eww) and then make and eat my lunch. Even though I don't get to go all out I do feel much better and energized for the 2nd half of the day and that has been a blessing.

Friday night my partner in weight loss crime joined me for fun times and conversation. We also got to see our two little bugs hang out for a while. It's so crazy what a difference 10 months makes in size and stages of development. We definitely both have big and smart little buggers ;) Too much fun.

Saturday the 9th....well Saturday is always rough for me. I somewhat dread work because it is usually crazy busy because it hasn't been staffed properly (not blaming, just stating fact). It is also my Friday and boy am I ready for a weekend by then. I kept my peanut butter goodness at my desk so I had my little snack-um available :) I also was working to drink enough water to drown a fish, I have been sOOOOOO thirsty since I started getting back on the Aqua Train. It's nice to be able to recognize thirst vs. hunger again. Lunchtime rolled around and I was dying to go out and get something terrible but I resisted and took myself back to the gym. Hello treadmill. Ugh OK, irritation number two and really it's piddly and lame but it is irritating to me; from the treadmill I cannot actually see the TV that's in the gym. I could see it from the elliptical or from the bike, but not the actual treadmill. Now yes I could just do one of the other work outs but the elliptical gets me super sweaty and well folks I have to join the masses again after work and no time for a shower. The bike just doesn't quite feel like I'm doing as much and the bike in the gym is set at a really really odd angle and is quite uncomfortable. Oh well I guess I will just settle for listening to the TV and staring in the mirror watching myself walk, reminding myself to stand up straight and suck in that gut.

Saturday night I splurged and had a real Italian fest--a loaf of freshly baked bread (well most of the loaf) Hard Salami and a nice large glass of wine! Sooooo Tasty. At the time I was thinking OK this is my splurge evening and even if I go over my points I will deal with it. I need a splurge time or I will fail. So to my handy dandy sparkpeople.com I went and entered in all that I ate (both servings of Italian fun) and I was still under my max calories for the day! I was stoked. Now I was 400 more than I had been eating since I've been staying at the lower end of the scale but I still didn't eat two days worth of food or anything.

Now to figure out what I will do on the weekends to keep up the streak. I'm not working out hard enough during the week to be a total sloth on the weekend :)

I can't wait until I have enough wiggle room to be able to join the Kroc and get my workout on :)

Oh Protein Where Art Thou

I am finding it very difficult to get in enough protein every day. I am amazed at all of the things I pay attention to now that not only am I writing down the general calories of foods but also the fat, carbs, protein and fiber of each thing I eat. It is really beneficial to see what I am getting enough of and where I am lacking.

Protein hands down is my weak spot. I am trying to think of ways to incorporate more into my day but am finding it very difficult. Overall I am finding it hard to reach my minimum calories every day.This seem completely backwards because I am overweight but well it isn't. As we covered earlier mother nature is cruel, but only for today's standard of living. It only makes sense genetically that my body would hold onto my fat stores because some days I eat so few calories that my body literally feels like it is starving. In the past it would have needed to do that to keep me alive because when food didn't "magically appear" in supermarkets my cells needed to hold onto fat and make it through the lean times. Now however, we humans have to do the job of moderating instead of nature taking its course.

I know that breakfast is going to be my key to making calorie consumption easier. I threw in oatmeal at my 1st break today and that helped, but by my lunch time I was STARVING. Going to need to find something that I can eat at my desk in between (or secretly during) calls. If I can get a few more calories in the AM then I won't be sitting here as I am tonight at 7:30 still stuffed from dinner and knowing that I have to eat my caramel rice cake with peanut butter topper. I know I know it seems like the most ridiculous thing to be fretting. There are those that don't even have a rice cake to think about eating and yet here I am lamenting that I am full and yet knowing that if I don't eat that serving of food that I will be under my minimum calories for the day and will cause my body not to burn the fuel it needs to.

So far 7 days into the year and I have held to my desire to eat better, and feel better. My energy is up, my attitude is up and my drive is in position. Lets just see how the next 7 days go :)

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming

Day 14 of not smoking and I cracked...granted I just had one. But OH MY GOODNESS did that almost cause a disastrous relapse. ;) Yesterday when I got home and I was really truly dying to have a smoke I decided that I needed to tackle the disaster zone that I was presently tenderly calling my room. I had piles of laundry needing to be folded and put away, more piles that I needed to go through and get rid of, paperwork and other odds and ends. So to fight off my urge to smoke I entered the zone...great music going, singing along having my son watch me like I was some sort of goofball--priceless. Nearly 2 hours later my mission was complete (ok mostly complete I still have a small shelf with some bills and paperwork to get organized and my scrapbook supplies that have recently traveled with me need to go back to their proper home.)

I got a double bonus in this little adventure I was actually working up a little baby sweat :) It felt good not to just spend the evening lounging. I cannot wait until there is lighter evenings and better weather. I really want to get out walking. This whole nearly dark at 4pm is KILLING this girl.

Today I kept that burst of energy going and rode the bike in the gym at work for 20 min on my lunch. Not enough to get a deep burn going but enough to boost my endorphins and gain a little glow. It kept me from following my urge to mosey on over to Taco Bell and feed my craving for some extremely American Mexican food. Instead I chose wisely and ate my Smart One and got a little bit more calories out of my system:

I feel guilty still for not posting last night. I really wanted to make sure that I post every single day. I may have to modify this to at least posting ABOUT every single day LOL

1 year, 1 month and 12 days to go :)

Put a little wiggle in your jiggle....

Today was much less intense than yesterday as far as B was concerned. I am so happy that his health has turned the corner and we're headed back to wellville.

I did a much better job with my water intake today and kept my calories right where they should be :)

I even worked out a little today, and yes I do only get to claim just a little. I found a standing crunches work out onDemand. Gotta love Comcast for that. I felt so awkward trying to do these moves. I remember doing two step aerobics classes in HS and lifting weights and feeling like I had my groove on. Now I just feel like a bowl full of super uncoordinated jell-o. I cannot wait to get my groove back.....move over Stella I'm comin to get ya ;)

After cleaning out the fridge this afternoon I realize that I really don't have squat for food. Snacking is definitely my problem and while I don't have a lot of junk food to snack on--which is a positive, I also don't have a whole lot of healthy food to snack on. So instead I just let myself get incredibly hungry and reach for the fastest possible meal to make. I'm going to have to remedy this situation within the next week or I can definitely see myself heading for disaster (aka Burger King)

Until the next day....

Just a little ditty

I finally hit a full 10 lbs down since I officially started trying to become a trimmer me. I'm a little irritated that it took me nearly 4 months to do, however I can't be too upset because if I had been tracking all of the food I had eaten in that time I'd probably just be jumping for joy that I didn't gain 10 lbs.

The beginning of this journey has been very back and forth for me. I love food and I find it hard to resist the urge to binge. I also find comfort in eating something tasty....bad day--I want chocolate, stressful work week--I want pizza, tired of running on all cylinders--I grab a burger. Sad but true. This journey is truly going to be an entire lifestyle change. I am going to have to reprogram this little old brain of mine :)

Yay for 10 lbs....53 more to go :)

Wishing that calories were like rollover minutes...

Yesterday I shocked myself finding that I had only eaten a whopping 731 calories...yes that's right for the WHOLE day. I suppose that is what will happen to you when 50% of your day is fueled by black beauty (aka coffee). Granted my black beauty is really more like a paint...loves me some fat free vanilla creamer.

So today I got up with a better plan. I need to actually eat my calories or this poor body of mine will never know when food is coming and will hold every last precious piece of fat like it will be its last. It's too bad that my brain can't just relay the message to the cells that food will come yet again and that all of this hoarding is really just a waste. But alas, that is not how it works. Mother Nature can be one cruel B.

I feel pretty well overall about the choices today, but I have to admit that seeing 1,415 causes a mild fit of panic. Now rationally I realize that this is completely unjustified. 1400's as far as calories go is still very little compared to what the average person eats. I just wish that I could take my leftover 700 calories from yesterday and get to enjoy them today without repercussion. You know like a rollover plan. I want my fat cells to say hey....these were all leftover from the same month and we just need to equally distribute the calories instead of causing a nasty fat overage on my humps, my lovely lady lumps ;).

On a completely different and much more challenging topic; today was hellacious mentally. My poor son is sick because well as a mother I teach that sharing is caring and passed along my lovely Christmas cold. I could see the congestion behind his beautiful baby blues and he just could not seem to stop coughing. Now any person out there with a child under the age of 2 knows what a pain in the arse it is to find any sort of medical relief for even the most simple things due to FDA regulations. I'm all for the safety of the child...but I am sad that because some do not follow recommended dosing children of that age just have to slug through whatever illnesses come their way. Thankfully I have one big boy and at 35 + inches tall and 32 lbs I can give him Tylenol and did manage to find a homeopathic cough/cold syrup. Thank God for small miracles. Even with these small miracles today was one bout after another with mini meltdowns and phlegm filled coughs.

Because he is so congested, we had very very limited sleep last night and even less of it during the day. Both of us were wearing thin when finally Mr. Sandman graced us with his presence and now little B is sleeping to the rhythmic sounds of steam whooshing from the humidifier. I am at this moment resisting the urge to ease my frazzled mind with a fantastic bottle of Pinot, knowing that I don't have enough calories left for the day and I don't want to feel worse about this day that I am currently. I do think however that I saved myself enough room for a nice hot cup of cocoa or perhaps a few delectable Hershey's Kisses (just one more reason I can't choose between kisses or hugs lol).

All in all another successful day...day 3; putting us at 1 yr, 1 month and 14 (almost 13) days to go

First steps down a long road...

Today I woke up conscious of the fact that I want to make steps in a new direction. Instead of getting that yummy cookie with my coffee, as I so dearly love to do I blew it a kiss and waved farewell as I drove away from the Dutch Brothers. I won't lie though, at about 8 am I was really craving that morning sugar.

Sugar is something that I have always had a weakness for. I love it, nearly all forms of it. It makes me feel happy and I think that it carries with it some nostalgia. For example if I hit up the coast it just isn't a finished trip without a stop at the red & white striped candy shop. I have to come out of there with at least a 1/4 of a lb of salt water taffy. Now I am fully aware that sugar is nothing but a quick burst of energy followed by a long term relationship with thunderous thighs and more than a few dimples in places far less cute than your cheeks.

But alas, we have been longtime friends and I'm finding the relationship hard to let go (insert tune from Boyz II Men " It's sooooo hard to say good bye.....to yesterdayyyyy). This will definitely be my biggest struggle for sure. I am not absurdly expecting myself to forgo sugar altogether, I do however realize that I MUST NOT start every morning with a cookie of some sort; and it is probably best not to end with a handful of Kisses.

Wow, I was not expecting this to turn into a swan song for my sugary hearts desire. But I suppose it is cathartic to write about the loss. What I meant to do today was sing my praise for choosing a turkey sandwich at lunch instead of a burger and fries. I also meant to rejoice in the fact that instead of heading out to the smoke shack to ease the tension of back to back lunacy I chose to talk to friends/co-workers and enjoy a little FB time.

What I didn't get to today is a little mini work out. This too is going to be a challenge to incorporate into my day. I think I am afraid to begin--silly as that may sound. I've been really sick for a couple of weeks and don't want my lack of lung capacity to frustrate me into quitting. My fear is that I'll always have some excuse and that I will never get started. Or, maybe my fear is that I will like it and have to break out of my comfortable-as-the-couch-I-lounge-on shell and find ways to be an active and outgoing person.

There is a great deal of security in spending time safe in my home. Branching out and rejoining the social world has been a bit scary. I've spent the last year and a half recovering from a very rough break up and raising my nearly 2 year old son. I find safety in solitude. No arguments, no questions of my parenting style, no having to share myself or let myself be vulnerable, no let downs. I realize that all of that equals no opportunities to grow and find someone who I may enjoy spending time with; it is just that the idea of that really scares the piss out of me.

I also decided today that I want to photographically track my progress. As much as I may hate to see the "before" me, I am extremely excited to meet my after :)

Day 1

I woke up this morning and realized that in 1 year, 1 month and 17 days I will be 30.

Now unlike a lot of people it isn't the idea of turning 30 that bothers me; it is the idea that I am not going to enter my 30's in the most fabulous place I could possibly be.

In the last two years I have experienced rapid after rapid of life altering events that I finally feel as though I am breaking the surface of life's deep waters. Through each experience I've gained perspective, patience and more and more pieces of myself.

This morning I woke up determined to reach my 30th birthday in a fit and fabulous place. I've enlisted a friend for support and will also be teaming up with a mentor provided by my fantastic health care company. Yes this is partially a journey to a healthier lifestyle and fabulous body ;), but it is also a journey of life, love and motherhood.

Blogging will be one way to chronicle this journey to the center of J girl and to keep myself honest. I hope that by journaling this next (little more than a ) year I will gain valuable insights and maybe humor some along the way.

Let the journey begin. 2010 you've met one tenacious woman, hope you're ready for it