Monday, March 29, 2010

Whoa....almost been a week

I haven't unloaded in almost a week. Whoa! This past week I have done a lot of work getting back on a healthier track.
With some help I am cutting back a little on the caffeine (well coffee) and trying to keep it to 16 oz a day instead of the probably 32 that I had been consuming. I am also a little more focused on trying to get in more water. My poor little dehydrated body.
I went through my cookbooks (a few of them) and wrote down healthy meals that sounded tasty and easy. After doing that I separated them main ingredient so that things with a common main ingredient would be easy to spot. This really helps with the grocery shopping. For example, I have 3 or 4 different dishes/salads that use rotisserie chicken as the main ingredient. Because it is just me and my son, one chicken will make all of those meals. So 6.00 one time and I have nearly a weeks worth of dishes. :) I felt very accomplished and ready to tackle dinner and lunch for this week.
I have eaten out twice, but both times I got a salads.
I have also however, made and eaten cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting and they were DELISH. Absolutely worth it :) I am really balancing out my crazy sugar overload so once I come off of the detox I am sure I will feel much better. Right now, I just miss it.

Work...well it's work. I am doing my best to keep a positive outlook. Feels better to put the good out there. I did have to take a day off when I wasn't feeling well and apparently missing a day a month the past 3 months is considered excessive so I have had a "clarifying discussion" I am sorry that this cold and flu season has been hideous to my household, but I refuse to spread that to the 600+ other employees....thanks though.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

oh how I love the weekend. Today was insanity. 3 new phones came out, systems were sluggish and apparently it was the day for everyone to call in to either get their ego stroked or to get a free counseling session, apparently they felt this was theirs to redeem. (I must have missed the coupon insert)

I drove up to my son's dad's house and saw him riding a little kawasaki 4-wheel powerwheels. I of course wanted to have a mini heart attack. I was also irritated that his dad was having him drive towards my car as I drove up. I'm sorry but you don't want to teach a 2 year old to move towards the moving vehicle! I also felt that a helmet was a good idea. Maybe I was being overprotective. But a 2 year old on a powerwheel on a street seemed like a good time to use a helmet. I said this and received the response, uhm no that is ridiculous...it isn't even moving a tenth of a mile per hour why would he need a helmet. I, being me, got very irritated and just gathered B's belongings to go. I told his dad that while I respected the fact that he felt it was ridiculous I did not agree. After all any bicycle requires a helmet for kids, I plan to use one when he gets the tricycle. (when I said this his dad replies, I don't plan to get him a tricycle I don't want him having to rely on 3 wheels, the kid can just learn to ride a bike) His reasoning was that he thought it was stupid, and that B would look like an idiot and that the helmet wasn't actually made to do anything to help prevent possible damage or injury when a child was moving that slowly. ( to this I wanted to reply...no you are the idiot. But I refrained)

Thank you for the reminders as to why we are no longer together and why it still makes me nervous sometimes that because you are his father that I have to send B. Don't get me wrong I know that his dad loves him, and that he has indeed tried to make great strides to become a better and more responsible father. But he is still himself. I also realize that the mama bear is always gonna look a little differently at issues of safety than dads will.

Tomorrow it's time to get my hair done. I just added some red, and that was fun. I don't care as much for the lighter copper type color so I am wanting to darken that up, and probably add either a really deep mahogany or a deep purple. Not 100% yet. :)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

So very tired...

I am so glad that after tomorrow I have day off. Double bonus I scored a couch and a coffee table for free from a friend of mine. I am happy to get rid of the beast. The couch has served me well but it is time for it to move on.

Today was exhausting. I just wish that customers didn't get to me so much. Scratch that, I wish I didn't LET them get to me so much. It is grinding and draining. I pray that the avenues I am currently exploring lead to something that will start a new chapter for me.

I won't write much today, because I am tired and kinda cranky and I just want to lose the tude, and probably crawl into bed. Such an exciting life I lead. 8pm and I am ready to call it a night. (and I wonder why I am not currently dating lol)

I am however thoroughly enjoying the new wardrobe and I look forward to picking out more things so that I can get rid of the old things that really just aren't me. I am looking forward to this coming week, new couch Tuesday, hair day Thursday, bbq on Saturday!


Friday, March 19, 2010

Thinking outside the box

Today I took the opportunity to do some better listening and to let a friend of mine help me find a little more of myself.
I didn't realize how little I really know myself. It was kind of refreshing to spit out words and get some feedback :) In this case it mostly translated into my personal style. I dress like some innocent, plain jane, boring mother most of the time. Then my friend today asks me, "you realize J that you are the woman who can pull off blue streaks and a funky hair do and rock the latest NY trends right...?" I looked at her like she must be smoking something and said yeah right.
(but a piece of me had to admit that the red streaks I added to my hair almost don't feel bold enough haha) and I DO love that classy, chic, slightly sassy look.
There is this wilder, brash, bold woman inside who desperately wants to make her debut. She does in little ways. I have to admit that I hate when I look in my closet and see clothes my mother might wear. (this would be ok if my mom was some 50 year old hipster...but that isn't the case)
So miss W took it upon herself to set out for an impromptu shopping trip where I was not allowed to try on, let alone buy, anything in black. Also all clothes were checked through her, and she also handed me items. I was not allowed to turn down at least trying them on. I have to admit that having someone who LOOKS at me often pick out my clothes was really helpful. She could actually see my shape and personality and pick things I would never dream. I came out of this deal with a FABULOUS dress and a super cute shirt that I NEVER in a million years would have tried on.
I also came to realize through conversation that I'm kidding myself when I say that I don't want anything serious in a relationship. I do. I need to figure out why I feel it is such a faux pas to say that I want something serious. Like I feel it is some death sentence for any date. I realize I just need to learn not to SAY that I want something serious but to realize it when I am sizing up the potentials. (ha potentials...oh man I'd like to just have A date) miss W also laughed at me when I said that I'd never really considered wearing such a nice dress on a date. Wow, maybe I need to class up my dates a little. Step out of the jeans and a cute top look.
Gosh sometimes I really just feel hopeless. ;)

Finally...


I finally feel like I have a clear head and feel better about decisions I have made. I just hope that this all pans out. For now I have done my part, I will say a few prayers and let it take its course.

I am still not choosing to put my health first which is pretty ridiculous. I am trying now to figure out what stops me every time I start to do really well. So far I do not have any answers. I am sure a part of it is very simple...I LOVE the way food tastes. Especially food filled with sugar and fats. I wonder if sugar & fats could be considered a drug...because I am pretty sure I'm addicted ;)

I watched my dvr'd Biggest Loser and was just amazed at how much difference a 51 year old woman made in her life. I was also very distressed by the back story of how much influence there is within the mother-child relationship; and how my choices are going to have such a profound effect on B. I want him to be that kid who picks up a banana or apple or peach instead of a snickers. (even in my head I laugh at this...but I realize that's because it takes modeling for a child to learn these habits)

If I can really just sit down, go through a healthy recipe book and plan a few dinners maybe I can make it work. Left to my own devices it comes down to whatever is quick and easy. Well 9 times out of 10 quick and easy equals unhealthy and fattening.

I have gained back only 2 lbs but that is still 2 lbs that I do not need. I have to stop giving myself such a free pass with regards to 2 lbs. 2 lbs is HARD to lose. Therefore, I shouldn't make it so easy to regain.

I did take a mommy afternoon and enjoyed getting my hair done. I put in red highlights. They didn't come out exactly as I had planned but well they are getting a good reaction so I have decided just to roll with it :)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What a full day!

Today was a very full day. I met my friend Christa's newest addition to the family; Aaron Christopher. He is definitely a K family baby :) After that I met up with J & Miss M for fun times at the kids club again. B just LOVES the sandbox. I feel almost like I should get him one to have at home....I'll have to ponder that.

After Kids Club I came home and put the roast in the crock pot to make french dip. Oh sooo yummy. I then had to clean like the tazmanian devil because I had been neglecting the little pick ups for enough days to need a BIG pick up :) All in all today was a definite success.

Dinner with J, W, J & E was a hit. Apparently french dip is now my signature dish :) It is great to have friends over and just gab. I forget how lonely it really can with it being just B and me. Some nights I relish the alone time. After evenings like this one it does make me miss having a someone. I pray that someday soon God will send me the person I've been waiting for. It would be nice to have someone to share my thoughts/feelings and life in general with. In due time I suppose.

I have been doing utterly horrid with making food choices. The only choices I seem to be making is how much ice cream or pizza am I going to eat, not which vegetables or healthful foods will I be making this week. Ugh. I really have to wonder do I want this weight off or am I too scared? (ooh that just reminded me Biggest Loser is on...woohoo) ttfn

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Oh daylight savings I hate you. I wish that Oregon would adopt the same stance as several other states and do away with you. I can handle the falling bac
kwards, but this springing forward BS has to go. I like that I see light when I wake up now. Guess I have to accept and move on. ~j

Friday, March 12, 2010

Great (busy) weekend


This weekend for me has been fantastic. I got a few chores completed yesterday. I took B to NW Kids Club to run around with his 2ND cousins and found that it is a great place for kids to go and run off energy. I think in a month or two I will be paying the 100.00 for the year pass; considering how much it rains in Oregon I know we will get a lot of use out of an indoor playground.

I went to a Stampin Up party last night as well and really had a lot of fun. I LOVE to scrap. I often forget how much I enjoy it. I am excited to finish a friends scrap book layouts for her so that she can have her daughters baby book done before her little E turns 1. It may sound odd that I would put together someone else's scrapbook, but well it isn't something that everyone loves to do. I enjoy being able to give of my talents to help someone get an artistic baby album for their child.
I may even create a small album for her to put newer pictures into.

Today will be a nice mellow, but still busy day. I have to get the house cleaned up so that I don't head into the next work week with a dirty kitchen and laundry to do. I do however, get to go have grown up fun at game night this evening! Woohoo :)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Pooped


Pooped, but I popped on to say hello. Mostly because I decided to try and write every day of Lent. I haven't exactly succeeded but I am not giving up the dream just yet.

Why is it that in the middle of a day where I am done, that is it, another call and I will explode and then my team members do something hilarious, or goofy and remind me that some of the things we do and get away with at my current job would NEVER happen anywhere else. There are some definite perks to the job...but my goodness I am STRESSED to the max when I talk to idiots, whiners and complainers all day long. I wish my job was more fulfilling. Meh.

I am so excited it is my weekend, I have been missing my son very much. It is hard on days like today when I get to see him for a little over an hour and a half between wake up and bed time. Then during the hour and a half I get I am trying to scarf down dinner because I haven't eaten in 5 or 6 hours and I am exhausted and don't have much energy to really play hard. We read, we talk, we learn things and have just kind of mellow together time. I just hope that the extra full day a week together is beneficial. Being a working mother is so difficult--constantly trying to balance work and home life. Feeling the guilt of wanting to spend any time as just you the woman, and trying to make sure that you are a part of your child's life and that you get to show them quality experiences and share their life while you can.

I can't tell you how tickled it makes me to come home and see his toys and clothes and reminders that he is here with me. I cannot imagine life before or without my son as a part of it. He has truly given a deeper purpose and meaning to my life. I am truly blessed to be a mother. I pray for those who have lost children or who cannot have children. I have several close friends who would dearly love to conceive and I hope for them that they do. Children are of course not for everyone, I understand and respect that. I have just found that my son has added so very much to my own life.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Zoo Day


So Mother Nature did not win...or maybe she did win; she got to see two very happy little boys and their parents enjoy time together at the zoo. It was definitely a little cold, but oh so worth it.

I love to watch my son explore the world and discover new things. It is refreshing to see the world again through new eyes. To take in the joys that we miss because we're used to filtering out so much of what we see and hear. Several times today B said to me "Listen, you hear that" with his hand cupped to his ear. It reminded me to stop and to listen, to enjoy the things that are around us.

I am still not making the best choices with regards to food. I went and got a few groceries today so that I can make a better plan for food. When I can plan I make better choices.

Tomorrow is a new day :)

Countdown 11 months and 9 days

The weather is a biatch

Yet again the weather decides to turn to crap by the time I get to my day off. I just want to take my son to the zoo, and the weather will not hold out for me. I am tempted to go if it's just going to be drizzly. I haven't decided yet.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Giant Jigsaw

I love it when I make fantastic simile's :)
Today has been a day that has run me through a wide range of emotions. I have gone from chipper to frustrated as hell to blessed and full of love. I'd say that's a day well lived. Well experienced.

I am learning that it is okay to want to scream and throw things during the day as long as I don't scream and throw things, and handle it like an adult instead :)

I have been making a point to dress more feminine and to enjoy the womanly figure that I have. Embrace the curves (even if I want some of them to be a little less curvy) I enjoy being able to put on a dress and actually feel COMFORTABLE. I cannot tell you the last time I put on a dress and felt good wearing it. In fact, the last dress I bought before just these past few weeks was over 4 years ago. I just felt fat, and thought my legs looked ugly in a dress. I just felt like it showed all of the worst parts. Boy do I know NOTHING ;) A friend was over the other day and I was showing her a pair of shoes I had purchased. When I lifted the leg of my jeans to show her she says "wait a second, lift up your pants more. Wow....you have GREAT calves Jecca (that's my nickname) you should be showin those babies off all the time"

I have never thought of my gams as great, but now I am trying to take a more positive look at them. Kinda hard not to look smokin in a pair of stilettos :)

I stepped on the scale today for a reality check. I have got to regain my control over emotional eating. The stress ( and chocolate, and pizza, and cake, and lattes, and candy.....) is winning. My waistline and hard work however, are losing and that is not acceptable. Time to start anew.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Good Day

Today was a good day, it was gorgeous outside! I worked almost an entire day, I was thrilled to get off an hour early :)

I am hoping for the sunshine to continue even if I am working. It helps to make the rest of the day better.

I have definitely lost a great deal of focus in the goal to eat better. I either have to regain my focus or accept the fact that I will not be losing any more weight. I don't like the idea of acceptance. I really did like the ability to buy a size 14 pant and a size 12 dress. I like the idea of a size 12 or even a size 10 pant even more. So I guess renewed focus it is :)

I have gotten lazy and let stress win. Instead of choosing to deal with it proactively I dealt with it in my tried and true fashion of eating whatever the hell made me feel good. SOOO LAME.
Tomorrow is the start of a new day, a new week. Back to the bricks.

Friday, March 5, 2010

One idea off the list...

I went to Portland today and began the preliminary research into a career avenue. I quickly saw a stop sign when I realized that it was going to cost me nearly 32k and take 3-4 years to complete.
It was very frustrating to realize that I wasn't going to get to pursue that avenue; I was intrigued by the idea of the career possibilities. It is what it is I suppose.

It did help me to gain new perspective into what I am doing now. I am blessed to have a job, and one that does support my son and I. I just wish that I enjoyed it more. Oh well. We can't enjoy every minute of every day can we? Maybe we can, I just have to figure out how.

I had a great dinner with J & miss E tonight. Always good for chat and baby social time :) I look forward to our next get together. I gained some valuable insight into interviews and what are the right questions to answer, and which ones really are trick questions. Maybe that will help me.

I am now on a retail hiatus. I have definitely outdone myself on my recent spree. I guess not smoking really did leave me wide open for abusing my shopping addiction ;) I am proud that even with all of the circles and knots I have wound myself into I didn't even have one puff of a cigarette. I definitely thought about it--and ABSOLUTELY wanted one, but I still haven't found that darned emergency pack (lol).

Here is to a good attitude and a relatively easy workday! (please oh please)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Oh sooo full!

Oh my goodness. I ate too much today. Tomorrow must be a better choice day. I cannot regret Red Robin, but next time I will not finish the burger...or the fries :)

Today was a wonderful day though. The sun actually poked it's head out for one of my days off, for which I am very grateful. My sister in law and I took Boston to the park and around town for a little mommy/auntie retail therapy. Then B took a nice long nap, we played a little more outside, and then enjoyed dinner at Red Robin with Aunt Sara (not technically family but well, after 18 years as friends I'd say she counts). Whoa...I just had a very still moment when I wrote down 18 years. There is only one other person from my childhood I still talk to that I've known longer...but well I don't keep in touch with her the way I do with Sara. My gosh. 18 years! I almost don't feel like I should be old enough to have had a friend for that long. Ha. Ok moving on......

I did my best not to spend all day spinning about my career options. It takes a lot of energy and I realize that I have to deal with the here and now just as much as the future. God will plant a seed and I will grow with it.

Because I am stuffed to the gills and pretty darn tired I will now bid you adieu

Welcome days off...

I am finding that the 3 days off is very beneficial to my attitude. Boston seems to be having a much better time with it. I am glad that it seems to be working, I didn't want to leave a team I enjoy so soon.

I am also looking pretty heavily into other career avenues. I have no idea which one will become something. I have spent a lot of time the last several days researching a couple of other avenues.
My poor wheels are spinning trying to figure out what would be a better direction.

I joined a facebook group related to one of the fields and asked those currently in the profession how they felt about the job, and how the wage potential truly is. The Bureau of Labor has some great stats but I want real world answers. One person said it's great, one person said if you have a job that's paying the bills just stick with it. So....that wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped.

I am happy to be able to just take these couple of days and spend time with my son. I really do miss him by the time I get off of work. I just about ache to see him and spend time with him.
They did offer a shortening of Wednesday as a shift change through May. I decided however, that since I took this job because I needed to earn the shift differential it did not really make sense to cut back on hours. It was hard to turn down more time off ;)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

promise for lent. So here it is. I may be too lazy to get out of bed to type on the computer, but I still blogged :)
Woohoo, I win. I set my phone up for mobile posting. I laid down tonight and realized that I hadn't blogged today. I promised I would be better about my

Monday, March 1, 2010

Take it and flip it

I started out this morning with a very bad attitude. I woke up feeling alright. I actually woke up about 30 min before my alarm clock, but since I felt fully rested I just enjoyed the shower in the AM and some coffee before the bug woke up.

It was while I was driving to work that the darn tape reels in my head began to playback the events of a particularly frustrating phone call from the day before. This is ridiculous you might say, I mean why would a person replay a stupid phone call from the day before. The answer...because this damn job haunts me. Not in a creepy or romantic way, but in a can't get away from the insanity because my overactive mind drags it with me everywhere I go.

I hear the damn "whisper" when it isn't even ready to happen, I can recite it word for word. That is not pleasant. I know that she brings forth the possibility of yet another self indulgent individual who feels they are entitled to being paid for their stupidity. I am sorry but I will not award your inability to think and or act for yourself. (this of course is not directed at those who have a truly viable reason why they wouldn't be able to think and or act for themselves)

I apologized to a co-worker for bringing that attitude in with me, I realized very quickly that it wasn't fair of me to put that on him and hope that his cheery disposition would snap me out of it. In true sweetheart form he did just that and told me not to apologize, but of course I did it anyway :) I decided at that moment enough with the previous day ruining my current day and decided to focus on as much of the positives that I could.

I did indeed help a few who truly deserved it and it made my heart happy to be able to pass along some good in this world. It may be simple and I may only be helping with a fairly small aspect of their life...but nonetheless I helped.

I am still frantically bouncing around ideas of which path to follow towards the future. So far there is no clear front runner. Meh. I will just keep researching and making my pros and cons list. (I am such an A type personality lol)

I am still praying to God for guidance. I know that if I could just shush my brain for long enough to listen I would hear some clue, some tug towards a clearer answer. I am going to have to work for that. I am terrible at being quiet. I can turn off my mouth, I just fail often at turning off my brain.

I have been making decent, but not amazing choices when it comes to meal time. Most often I am giving right back into the comfort of enjoying food and letting it fill my nervous/scared places. I should learn that my nervous/scared places don't need to be blobby/jiggly places as well :)

I am super happy to be firmly in a size 14. I hope to soon be firmly in a 12. (on a plus side, all of the dresses I just bought are 12, although I tend to count pants size over dress size).

**random thought: Do women go by dress size because all we used to wear are dresses???

I am happy to feel good about getting into a dress again. For the longest time I was just so unbelievably uncomfortable in a dress. I am now finding new confidence and am able to put one on and feel more womanly. Odd how hard it is for me sometimes to identify with being a woman. It sounds strange but I guess because for so long I have adopted the role of taking care of myself, and being mommy & daddy for my son that I almost forget that I am a woman. That it is okay for me to want to have someone to take care of me, or take care of the "heavy lifting" so to speak. I should be able to enjoy someone showering me with some attention or treating me as somewhat demure. I guess I just never really learned how to be a woman who enjoys, and lets a man take care of her. I should learn how to do that, because I do realize that a certain part of a man's persona/pride is about being able to take care of and provide for his mate/spouse (insert whatever term you are most comfortable with)

Hmm....lots to ponder.