Little bit of this & that

Woke up today in a wonderful mood, felt like I could take on this day and make it fantastic.

I was mostly right, I made it through 3/4 of the day with the same attitude. For me that is a win. I want to get to somewhere in the range of 80-90%

That may seem pessimistic...but really, what one person can say that they never have even a single negative moment in a day ??

The last part of the day got extremely busy and a little frustrating because I knew it only got that busy because too many people went home early. C'est La Vie. Tomorrow begins a new month. We will see how that works out.

I think it is time to take a more active approach at job searching again. I have to do something. I have also come to realize that these 10 hour days truly may not work for me. I am not a night person and am exhausted when I get home. Then I get approximately an hour with my son and he goes to sleep. I feel like I am hardly seeing him and that I am missing so much. I just wish that I had been able to be at home with him more especially in this early stage. I am so absolutely grateful that he has been able to be with my mom, so I know that he is at least getting most of what I would be teaching him.

I am incredibly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends and have such support in raising my son.

I had a wonderful lunch date with Miss M today :) I think that both of us enjoyed the food and time together. It's a great thing to be able to have a friend at work to be real with. That doesn't so often happen in corporate America where you have to make sure that your words (however honest they may be) aren't turned against you for someone else's gain.

Here's to hoping tomorrow flies by so that I can enjoy a day off with my bugga.

A gentle nudge....

Ok so maybe not so gentle, but I was reminded that I was totally blowing my lent resolution. It's true. I am a slacker. Instead of taking just a few moments to post, I would read....then think...then say nah I'm too tired I don't want to post.

So I will not beat myself up. I will just try again, and keep trying until it is just an easy habit to blog. I do love it, and it is cathartic; so why I don't do it...well I have no good answer.

This new 10 hour shift is going to be interesting. It is harder for me that I had expected. Spending that long away from Boston is very difficult for me. It is difficult for him also. To be fair this is only week 1 in, and in this past week I had to work 7 days straight before a day off. Of course that will take it's toll on any 2 year old. My bugga has taken it like a trooper but this past Monday he was extremely upset that I had the nerve to leave yet again for work. It broke my momma heart. But I will continue to do what I must.

I really do enjoy my team to be honest, and I think that the extra day off will be very nice. I am going to give it a little more time and see what comes.

I also discussed other career avenues with my family and I continue to pray that I will be open enough to hear the right direction. I just don't know what future I see in my current job, or if I want it to be a part of my future. It's always a little shinier and a little more fun right at the beginning of a bid. I don't want this current fresh start to gloss over the issues I've encountering for the past several months. I really hope to remain objective and weigh the pros and cons of each of my decisions.

I talked with a friends mom who works for the state about what options would be available as a mother and a student. She gave me some really great advice and was also going to speak with an inside source regarding a position I had seen. Hopefully that will lead towards something. I also decided to look into something I have tossed around for several years. Transcription. I can type like a mo-fo and do very well with codes and what not. I also am looking at Court Reporting as well. They have fantastic job pay scale and according to the Bureau of labor it is a job that is expanding and will continue to do so. From what information I could find schooling lasts anywhere from 22-33 months (odd numbers but hey I saw them a lot so I guess they are right ;)

So those are the latest ideas tossed into the pot.

And that is that for now....

just real quick....

Had a wonderful day off with Misser J & Miss May. The Portland Children's Museum was a blast.

I promised I would try to write every day of lent....so this is my quick blurb before I head to the movies.

FYI 32 ounces of coffee in a day will make one queasy. No bueno.

Here's to hoping work flies by tomorrow :)

Hello sleep I will be happy to see you :)

I am exhausted but I promised myself I would post.

This was my first full 10 hour day. It wasn't exactly tough....but I realized upon leaving work that I was very tired and that my patience had been worn thin by the very busy last couple of hours of work.

I also realized how very difficult it was for me to pick up my son, get home, change him into his pajamas and spend appx 2 hours of time with him. Yes for the entire day! I missed him very much. I am however, very excited to get to spend tomorrow with him and Miss M and Jude and Juliet and her mom Miss A at the Zoo! I am praying that the sunshine can hold on for just a little longer.

I am very excited about my new team at work. I am definitely enjoying my co-workers. This will absolutely help to ease the transition :)

I had spent the majority of this week acting like a rebellious teenager and eating whatever I wanted. I was extremely worried about the after affects (of course I didn't concern myself with this until the day before weigh in haha) I decided while talking to M tonight that I would go ahead and do a spot check. I was pleased to find I hadn't even gained back a full pound. And I generally weigh myself very first thing in the am after going to the restroom so it is quite possible that I didn't do any damage at all.

I am a realist, I do understand that I cannot eat that way all of the time and still not see retribution but I am glad that some 5 lb revolt was avoided. I am currently watching Unwrapped on Food Network, and Oh my goodness they are making cupcakes in a jar...layers of beautiful goodness and I am having to remind myself that I am trying to be responsible. Oh my goodness it just looks wonderful. I am watching these people bake the cupcakes and make butter cream frosting (my fave) and they are in such beautiful shape...the must have learned portion control because the 10k lbs of butter they use sure isn't hitting their thighs.

Oh my. I may just have to order them...really I can't imagine not having a chance to taste this. (food aholics anonymous I think I may have to join you soon)

Alright, obviously I am tired and possibly a bit delirious so I should end this post before it goes thoroughly awry.

And to all...a good night

Just have to laugh at yourself

Ah, I had the best of intentions for lent. I made it two days in a row and then my social calendar took over ;) I didn't hold myself to popping on just to write even one word or one blurb. Lets try again.

I had a wonderful "Fridate" with Jacquie & Emma. Jacquie and I had a long talk about God, and religions and a lot of things that I had really been lacking in my life. I feel better knowing that I am choosing to put God back into my life. I had lost a lot of my faith. I had turned that part off because it was too difficult for me to face. Of all of the beautiful things I love about the Catholic church, I equally despise the level of guilt that comes with the doctrine.

I am excited to find something that fits for me, something that brings me faith and strength without the extra helping of guilt :)

I have eaten like a kid just released from fat camp this past week. Back to feeling good about my food choices. As fun as it is to enjoy cheesecake, pizza, french dip, french fries, wine, chili cheese dip & chips, cheese and crackers, ice cream, girl scout cookies and Italian Creamosa's it is probably not the best idea to enjoy them over a 4 day time span lol. I am afraid to face the scale but this girl is going to suck it up. Say awesome trip down food memory lane and move forward.

Work is still something that I am deliberating about. But I have decided to maintain as positive an attitude as possible because I am tired of poisoning myself with a bad attitude. It bleeds into my home life and affects my time and relationship with my son. That just is not fair to him or to me. Find the positive and cling to it with everything you've got.

A day and a half of work and FINALLY a day off. That day will be filled with fun times at the Zoo. Boston & Julian's first trip!!! I cannot wait.

'Till next time....

One year.....

Happy Birthday to me! 29 wow...how do I feel about that.

29 used to sound old to me. (Ok I was 19 and yes that was 10 years ahead of me at that point but...) I feel wiser and of course more experienced than my former self which is a definite bonus. Although, I just don't feel old. I mean how have nearly 3 decades of my life happened already. Bizarre.

Work was definitely better today. I had a mini meltdown and allowed myself to just vent and cry and be upset last night so I felt relieved this morning. I decided enough with the attitude; I have got to do this job so I might as well try and put a better perspective in place. Being off of the phones for most of the morning helped as well :) Of course only really being able to enjoy the days where most of it doesn't involve my actual job probably isn't the best...but it is what it is.

We celebrated my birthday at work with pizza and cheese cake for lunch. It was fabulous.

This morning when I dropped my son off with my mom she had a heart shaped brownie waiting for me. I LOVE brownies. My mother is wonderful :) She and my son made a birthday card for me today. Inside was his hand-prints put together in the shape of a heart. Melted me :) It is amazing how something so sweet and simple just made my entire birthday. No crazy parties, no fancy dinner just a sweet card made with love.

Tomorrow is another mommy/baby date with Jacquie and Emma! I am very excited. My first crack at making French Dip....soooooo yummy. Details to come

40 days

So I keep reading all of these Facebook posts about Lent and what people are giving up. I've decided I'm not giving up anything. I am however going to write in this blog EVERY SINGLE DAY. So there will be 40 days of posts before I am done. I have no word requirements. So even if I just step on to say hello world I survived today then that will be fine by me.

I have faced a lot of challenges personally in the last week or two. I am having to face facts and determine what choices I really have at this moment, and how I can continue to put one foot in front of the other until the answer comes to me. I feel as though I am just whining and carrying on and adore my friends for putting up with me. I do not wish to drag them down with my frustrations I just have to get them out of my head where I can sort them.

God heard me today and graced me with a much needed break from taking phone calls, and presented me with the opportunity to present feedback and fuel the growth in other people. I can at least feel some joy from this. I can take that part of my job and revel in the fact that my knowledge and my skills can help someone else. I suppose I should look at each conversation I have with a customer as the same opportunity but...well sorry not just yet.

The bad attitude was poisoning me though...I have to knock it off. I have to find a way to get through what I do. At this moment in time I cannot finagle a way that I will be able to leave my present employer for anywhere else without being unable to pay my bills and support my son. Obviously not an option....I cannot tell you how disheartened that makes me. I loathe feeling trapped.

I complete another trip around the sun tomorrow. I am not sure exactly how I feel about it.

Part of me is happy to be close to being 30. I am so happy with the security and confidence that is coming with age. The other part of me says wow...this is the last year of my 20's and I feel so unaccomplished. I realize that few people do grandiose things with their lives. I just remember dreams in my late teens and early 20's of being that fashionable writer/editor working for a publisher or a magazine in New York. I wish I knew why I made the decision not to attend NYU. I was accepted, I just freaked out. I couldn't imagine moving that far away from everything I knew. I AM A GIANT CHICKEN. bock bock.

When I watch movies about writers, or artists of some design I feel a bit jealous. Then I chide myself for lacking the courage to take a dream and build on it. I lack the faith for the leap. Yes I know movies aren't real and life isn't neat and tidy with a start, climax and conclusion all wrapped in a pretty package. Not everyone gets that life affirming, character building moment surrounded by amazing theme music...but I certainly wouldn't cry if it happened :)

Time for pajamas and some t.v. zoning. I have got to get myself some new books, I need to read. (but I am one of those silly people who very, very rarely reads a book twice.)

TTFN

"Every woman should be the leading lady in her own life..."

I had a wonderful day yesterday! After far too many weeks of illness in my house I think that my son and I are better....or at least extremely close to back to normal :) I took advantage of that fact on Valentine's morning (yesterday) to make my little love bug heart shaped pancakes. Boston and I enjoyed breakfast and books and a morning of fun at the grocery store. Then while he napped I cleaned the carpet in the living room...btw the Woolite Rug Stick is pretty fabulous.

I have a lovely mountain of laundry to deal with...shocker ;) Laundry and I are good buddies through steps 1 and 2....step 3 (folding) well...we aren't always on the best of terms. But alas, I am craving cleanliness and order in my house so it will get done.

My son hit a milestone this past week. He now has a big boy bed :*o) I cannot believe that he is so quickly turning into my big boy and not my baby. Sometimes it causes my heart to ache. It is hard for me to know that this chapter flies so quickly. It is true when mother's tell you that you cannot fathom how deep and how utterly consuming your love for your child is. You cannot imagine how wholly you will care for this little person.

I am extremely excited to watch him grow and learn to communicate with me and the world around him. We go today to check out "discovery school" and look into that option as I begin my new work schedule.

Due to the past several weeks of illness I have definitely not been able to eat anything remotely near a well balanced diet. For the past week I have subsisted on saltines and Quaker oat squares cereal (dry). That was the only thing that wouldn't revolt and try to make a reappearance. Due to this fact though I have now reached 189ish which is kind of a pretty exciting thing even if I know it may potentially be short lived ;) In 6 more lbs I will FINALLY have reached 20 lbs of weight loss. I cannot wait to see 20 lbs.

I still haven't fully settled my debate regarding the elliptical machine. I am still pondering. I may for the first time in my life try layaway ;) It would take me appx a month and a half to pay off the machine I am looking at. I know I hear you say why not just save up that money and then go in and buy it...well my problem is monkey see, monkey spend ;) I'll end up cashing in for a mint milano instead. Alas, one more place to check out, because I am the "research it to death queen".

I am hoping that the Tuesdate is still on. Emma got sick when she came last for which I feel horrid! It happens, I know it...but I still feel very bad. If not a Tuesdate we may try for a Thursdate which is also my Birthdate hehe...rhyming is fun. Till then...

Countdown 1 yr 3 days.

Definitely still a chatty cathy...

I had a friend and her daughter over today and it was soooo nice to have gab time with a girlfriend and let the kiddos play. I forgot how much I miss socializing, and how monotonous life becomes when you work, then come home, converse with a 2yr old and go to bed.

I'm feeling like I had hit that stagnant place again, I wasn't moving forward....or really backward for that matter. I had reached a standstill and my mental gears were grinding. I want to find the courage within myself to move forward, no matter how small the step. I want to inch towards a happier place.

I think that my decision to proactively be more social is a definite step in that direction. I had a fantastic Tuesdate (yes Miss M I stole your term)...and planned another Tuesdate with Jacquie & Emma for next week. I am very excited....this may just become a regular occurrence.

The next step will be filling out a fafsa and trying to map out my course for finishing my final credits and just getting my damn B.S. I am so very close and it will be utterly ridiculous to just let it sit and waste away.

If I want something more, if I want opportunities this is a necessary step. I have found a great strength within myself in the past couple of years, and I know that if I am aware that finishing my degree is a NECESSARY step to my future happiness I can endure a lot to see it through.

One piece at a time.

I also still firmly hold that if I eat pizza I lose weight. (yes this seems counterproductive but I have results to prove it.) I lost 2 lbs this week!! I also remember that just about every single week of weight watchers where I ate either tacos or pizza I also lost weight. I have no science. I just have numbers :)....and that's my story and I'm stickin to it.

I cannot wait to reach the 180's I just want to get to the next set of 10's. I am soooo close. 192 right now ( and yes the number and the idea of the number still pains me but it is less than it was before and headed in the right direction.) Rockin hot mom here I come :)

I'm back...

Whoa 4 days and no post. Shame on me.

I had a few days of making less then beautiful food choices and yet somehow I managed to maintain my current weeks weight. ( I haven't posted it yet because it isn't my actual weigh in date. So I might as well make sure I truly maintain)

I was in a rough spot feeling very frustrated and defeated. I feel much better today and have decided to try and kick this little funk to the curb.

I am also trying to assert myself more with my ex and tell him (not just infer) that he is being immature and selfish. I need to tell him that I shouldn't have to ask him for something that he is already supposed to be doing. I should not have to be the only responsible parent. I hate that he is one of the very few that I am having a hard time saying look buddy you're pissing me the hell off.

I always worry about rocking the boat or causing him to exact his irritation with me on my son. I don't know that he would, I am just afraid to find out.

But honestly enough is enough. I'm not a door mat and I need to stop bending and placating just to avoid potential conflict.

I want to buy new clothes but I've decided I am not there yet. I haven't dropped enough lbs or inches to warrant needing the next size yet. So, until that happens no new clothes for this girl. Reward system right :)

Here is to a better day and a better week.

Taxing....

Today was very taxing and it left me questioning a lot of decisions that I need to make for myself. I wish I could say that they were just little meaningless decisions like what to have for dinner, or which shoes to wear tomorrow, but unfortunately, they are the BIG ONES.

I want so badly to enjoy what I do for a job, no to enjoy a career. I hope to find something more fulfilling that will also pay the bills for my son and I. I worry that I won't find this career and that I will spend my work life just getting by and having it slowly eat way at me.

I have days where I can do it and I feel the possibilities of moving forward, and then it just slips away like it was a dream and that the potential wasn't even there.

I hate that it makes me angry and that I let it fester. I'm tired of it. I know that life is life, and that because of my choices that my road isn't the easiest....but does it need to be the hardest? (yes I'm whining a little)

Day 1 of 20 interesting days

Today at work we begun a pilot program to help determine the future of our business. My group is the control group. There are both advantages and disadvantages to this. I am a little nervous about how this next 20 days will affect my sanity. Day 1 went by well, with the exception of having horrible call times. I don't know what my deal was, although a small part of me blames the codeine in my cough syrup...but that could not be helped because it was either be a little slower or cough my lungs out. (Tough choice I know ;)

I am so very interested in the results that this pilot will yield and it appeals to me at the very core. Yes you guessed it I am a giant nerd who loves statistical analysis of human reactions.

On a less positive note I gained 2 lbs this week. I can't really pinpoint any one thing I did because I did a few things haha. First I was barely eating enough while I was sick to get all my calories in, second when I did eat I ate more for comfort of the food than for nourishment of the food--therefore though I may have been eating within calories I was far too high on fat content. A potential third is that I got the Mirena put in place and I have no idea if the hormones will affect my weight loss results at all but I feel it is too early to put the blame there. I made choices that were not always the best and I did not exercise at all for the past two weeks. I finally have about 85% of my lung function back so I need to quit with the "I'm sick" and just get to it.

I really really want to purchase the elliptical when I get my taxes, but I also feel that I should put that money towards my son or putting him into classes or something. My one tiny just for me thought is that I will feel better and be a more healthy and active mommy for him if I get the ellitpical. Is this selfish? Should I put that money to use for him or for savings? UGH. He does also need a new bed....choices choices.

I made great food choices today, although I felt like I was STARVING. Looking at my intake and balance of fat,protein and carbs today was a good and well balanced day. If only I could be satisfied eating the same thing everyday....then I would always be balanced lol. The key for me is a little bit of planning and using my calculators EARLY in the day sort of like a gauge so that I don't overdo it and wait until too late to realize my consumption mistakes.

I have definitely found inspiration in miss M and hope to continue. I have to admit the green eyed monster kicks in every now and again. I hope to see great and continued results. This will mean more work and more dedication on my part. Excuses are easy---results are not.

On a completely different but equally important note; I was having a conversation with a longtime friend of mine yesterday. We were talking about my dating life and that in the recent months I have come to realize I am TERRIBLE at dating. I am interested I show it, I am not interested I show it. There is no mystery to me. I'm an open book (or open mouth insert foot;) kind of gal. A guy needs the chase, needs the mystery, needs to be needed. I have become so used to doing my life completely on my own and am so aware that I am perfectly capable of doing it...that I practically wear a neon sign that screams, thanks for applying but I don't need any assistance. But it isn't true and I just can't help myself. The other realization I had was that I don't think nearly highly enough about myself. I date guys who are at or below my level. Why?? Because I am ridiculous. Because I think that since I have just a so so job (not a career) that it doesn't matter if a guy is in the same boat and that I shouldn't judge him just because he's doing something just for now, or just to pay the current bills. I also feel that a guy who has finished college or who may have an actual career is somehow above me and unattainable. I don't like that realization. I don't like that I have put myself into that place. I don't want to date projects, or guys who aren't secure or who don't offer a potential of a comfortable and happy and interesting life. I want someone who is intelligent, because I am intelligent. At some point over the last several years I forgot that I am far more capable of just answering friggin phone calls. That I am a very intelligent person and I deserve someone just as intelligent and self sufficient as I am. I need to realize that it is OKAY to let someone take care of you, to let someone want to do things for me. I don't know why this is such a foreign concept, but I need to get with the program. This is going to be hard, this is going to take me out of my current (stupid) comfort zone. I have to admit to myself that it IS ME,that I am the one who doesn't fit because to be honest, most of these guys leave and tell me that I deserve better, that I am too good for them, or too giving/nice for them and you know what?? They are right. I am and if they can see it why can't I? It's about time I give myself some credit.

Teeter-Totter

I am working on improving my social life, which is good. What is not good, is that I am not balancing my food intake while at these social gatherings. It's easy to eat what you need to eat when it's just you and you're at home, or work--really any comfortable and familiar environment.

This past week I met up with an old friend for dinner with his family and we had pizza...now pizza isn't inherently bad, but when I eat 3 pieces and then have a couple of chicken wings instead of having just 2 pieces of pizza and stopping it becomes terrible. It feels horrible to have one meal be such a giant debit from the daily calorie bank.

I did a similar thing on Saturday when I went to Cinebarre with friends. It is a local movie theater where you can also eat dinner. They have these amazing fried pickles. So I had a (yes 1) fried pickle that a friend bought in an attempt to be good. Of course then I end up ordering a cheeseburger and fries AND onion rings. My only saving grace was that I did not at all like the batter on the onion rings so I ate one and a half. But oh my I demolished the burger and fries and it was soooo good. I had to force myself to enter in the meal honestly to sparkpeople.com. It was a good thing I did because whew I nearly had a heart attack.

Little splurges like that are ok every once in a while but not twice in a week period, and not on a week where I haven't been able to work out because I've had bronchitis.

I have a dinner date lined up for this week and next. What I need to do is find tasty calorie friendly meals so that I can enjoy the food and conversation without feeling that guilty pang. Practice makes perfect right :)