14 DAYS! Holy cow...how did the time fly so quickly. 14 days and the last year of my 20's will have bid adieu. Sometimes I think I am ready, that I have spent this last year in a place of tremendous growth and that I am ready to blossom into an amazing woman. Other times...I feel as unsure, self conscious and immature as ever. (Maybe knowing that is actually mature? Hmm interesting to ponder.)
This past year I have truly discovered my strength. I provide (for the most part solely) for my 3 year old son. I have been able to keep him fed, clothed and under a warm roof his entire life. I give him as much love as I can. I snuggle him daily, kiss him and tell him just how much he is loved. I remind myself in those moments where I feel like I will lose my patience, my nerve or my temper that I am a wonderful mom who is after all ONLY HUMAN. Sometimes I put myself in a time out just as I put him in a time out.
I try to remind myself to breath, to love each day as the precious gift that it is. I found a quote the other day that I am trying to embrace and to weave into the fabric of my life; " Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow" Mary Jean Irion. I am striving to realize that I am not waiting for some life altering event, or some miracle or even someone to mark the beginning of my life. I am in it....it is happening....it is now. I am my own life altering force, my own miracle and my own ONE. Acceptance.....this has been a reoccurring lesson this year.
I have discovered deep and profound friendships in this past year. Those who have brought me closer in my walk with God. Those who have been wonderful mirrors allowing me to see the reflection of the good in the world and in myself. They have helped me also to see those things that I have been reluctant to admit. Or to see those things which I know about myself and previously viewed as negative which really are attributes that make up my unique beauty and charm. "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him, his own."
-Benjamin Disraeli
I had set a few weight goals along this path as well. One of them I am happy to say I expect to achieve. I decided about 4 months ago that I wanted to lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday (which may I say again is in 14 DAYS). I am currently 1.4 lbs from reaching this goal. I am so very happy about being so close to achieving this. It feels good to have set a goal and accomplished it. Too often I have set goals and then left them by the wayside. I became discouraged or didn't have enough faith in myself to finish them. This my friends is only the start of a new and wonderful beginning. I am happy to be in a size smaller than I was before I was pregnant with my son. I am thrilled to be able to sit, bend move around and feel like I can breathe. I am appalled at how until the weight came off I didn't realize just how uncomfortable I was. I feel blessed that I was finally in a place where I was comfortable with myself; yet doubly blessed that I am in a healthier place and still feeling comfortable with myself.
I am still on my journey to finding a wonderful relationship. I am at least dating now which does inevitably put me one step closer. I spent nearly 3 years after my last relationship putting myself back together and learning to fall in love with me again. I wanted to be a healthy, loving and strong mother to my son. He was my main focus, me getting healthy mentally, physically and emotionally was merely the path I traveled to reach that place. By taking this time, I am in a place now to date the healthy way. Not feeling compelled to dive into any relationship that may come my way. Loving and understanding that I am worth the time and attention and that there are actually "plenty of fish in the sea". I have worked through so many false records in my head, smashed them and thrown them out like yesterday's trash. It feels good to clean house, it is hard and dirty work and I am happy to be doing it. I may not be able to help that I am a hopeless romantic who wants a whisk you away, make other people slightly jealous love story....but I can prepare myself to be open to finding that kind of love by exemplifying that kind of love.
My 20's have been full of so many lessons, so many avenues for growth. Some I have come through with flying colors and other I have come through battered and bruised but ultimately a forever changed person because I have experienced them and have learned about myself through them. My 20's have made me these things: strong, loyal, diverse, passionate, inquisitive, a mother, a friend, a confidant, feminine, explorer, writer, photographer, event planner, baker, entertainer, classy, stylish, unique, healthy, happy, caring, giving, embracing, tenacious, stubborn, dedicated, driven.......There will be so much more to come.
Miss M.....you have been right that I have been neglecting my blog world.....this novella is for you....well okay and for me because I find writing to be so very cathartic.
